Saturday, July 10, 2010

GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

Well, it's soon to be the big game: the final in the hot World Cup action.

You have to admit, it's been a little bit of a bigger deal here in American than I thought it would be. Not that it's going to convert the United States into a Manchester Union-watching nation of futbol fans. But I've actually heard people I normally wouldn't think would care discuss the games, even at a low level of interest.

Anyway, since I know next to nothing about soccer, I'm going to base my prediction of the winner by reviewing broad national stereotypes.

Spain
Pros:
They did have that kick-ass armada.
Paella.
There is no way that bullfighting could ever have evolved naturally. 
I never cared much for the Moors, you know? Just sayin'.
Spanish guitar music is the awesome, especially when standing in lobbies and elevators. It makes me sleepy.

Con:
That armada is at the bottom of the ocean.
Coincidentally, so is that paella for last night. Hey-yo!
That whole Inquisition thing didn't make too many friends.
Neither did reading For Whom the Bell Tolls in high school.
Your dances are weird. It's like people standing around like mannequins then suddenly jerking like they're inmates at Abu Ghraib.


The Netherlands
Pros:
Weed. So much weed.
Prostitutes. So many prostitutes.
Wealth. So much wealth.
Euthanasia. So much--wait, hold that thought.
You gave up New Amsterdam. Smart move. Trust me.

Cons:
You're the only nation to be called THE Netherlands. What, like there's another Netherland we're supposed to be worried about? And where does Holland work into this? And then when we go to call you by an adjective, it's...Dutch? WTF?
Those awful orange uniforms. It looks like PennDOT is working in the soccer fields of South Africa
They are responsible for those monstrous lawn ornaments of two children kissing each other. Get a windmill, you lusty little freaks. 
Where were your dike-plugging fingers during Katrina? WHERE?
Joran van der Sloot.


Of course, there's more than just soccer at stake. For the record, the Dutch colonized South Africa, and the Spanish conquered the Netherlands. There is going to be some major payback on somebody's mind, although that payback will probably result in a barnburner score of one to zip. Let me know how it turns out.

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