Me: What are you humming?
Wife: "Dance of the Russian Candy Canes" from the Nutcracker.
Me: Oh. I thought it was the theme from Street Fighter II.
According to my wife, Dexter is being too good to blame my farts on today.
Me: Perhaps I will write the Toaster Oven Council of America and see if they'll have me on.
Wife: How are things downstairs?
Me: Well, Chloe's whining, Nora is cranking, and Dexter is running around the table.
Wife: If nothing else, those pets will make you glad to go back to work.
Me: Nah. Just a different set of people whining, cranking, and running around the table.
Me [To Chloe]: Your farts smell like a tool and die shop.*
And, if anyone wanted to know what I got for Christmas:
*Despite what it may seem, we do not talk about farting 33% of the time. The actual figure is more like 20%.