Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The End Of The World As We Know It

First there were birds falling from the sky in Arkansas. Then the Seahawks beat the Saints. And--breaking news--there may be three to five inches of snowfall in January in western Pennsylvania. Damn you, Mayan mystics, you were one year off!

Not pictured: Locusts, zombie apocalypse, or the Cuban Missile Crisis

Don't get me wrong--driving conditions can get pretty hairy, and I certainly except everyone to drive with caution in such situations. But it seems like every time the weather people call for more than slight flurries, everyone runs around acting like they are going to be trapped in their houses for weeks without food, electricity, water, or the next episode of Jersey Shore. It's like for four months out of the year we are in a constant state of being two inches of snow away from pestilence and destruction.

Grocery stores routinely have a run on bread and milk--why, I don't know. I can count on two fingers the number of snowstorms in my lifetime that caused transportation to be impossible for longer than about 36 hours. If you can't survive a day and a half without toast and Nestle Quick, perhaps you should think about  taking some Flintstones vitamins once in a while.

I won't even get into driving. Mostly because I am a hypocrite--I complain when people drive too slow in snowstorms ("You have to build momentum or you'll get stuck!") and too fast ("You're going to wreck and spin out!"). Unless everyone follows the specific formula of average-speed driving techniques as I do, it screws me up and I start making up new swear words.

That said, if you can't handle five inches of snow (excepting weird things like ice storms or whiteouts), you need to get more practice. Obviously each situation is different, but not so much that the automatic reaction to hearing that there will be a half a foot of snow is to start establishing your pecking order in Bartertown.

 What's all this horseshit about the Seahawks beating the Saints?

Hopefully, the snowstorm will (literally) blow over and we can get back to normal, which is complaining about road construction.

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