Monday, January 10, 2011

A Message For Hollywood

I know lot of your Hollywood types read this blog on a regular basis*, so I thought that this might be a good forum to present some sure-fire motion picture ideas that will undoubtedly not only fill your bank account, but also your fireplace mantle with dozens of Academy Awards. Just remember to thank me during your acceptance speech!

George Washington Slept Here: It's 1776, and the Continental Army is just about to take on the hated Redcoats. However, divine providence has other plans, and a vortex opens up (caused by Ben Franklin's kite? Kids would love that! --ed.) and swallows up the Father of our Nation. Plop him in some hipster community and watch the hijinx ensue! Drop him into ridiculous situations. Make him play the Wii! Let him marvel at the wonders of the Internet (Let him change the Wikipedia entry on Thomas Jefferson. Ha! --ed). Make him think all the folks on Jersey Shore are Chinese. And then he develops an unhealthy crush on Snooki. ("I would let her cross my Delaware, if you know what I mean!") When he becomes despondent after soaking in the failures of American culture, some uplifting event (puppies? veterans? peacful political rally? No--A vet who becomes a vet rallying for military pet health insurance!) makes him renew his faith in the American experiment, and he goes back to fight in the Revolution. The last shot shows a victorious George embracing a smiling Martha Washington, who now has an orange tan.

GTL: Gout, Teeth, Liberty!

Hobo Nation: It is decades in the future, and the world has been taken over by transients and hoboes. Haute cuisine is beans in a can, and the only government programs are those that keep the trains running so everyone can hop on board. Successful people are kept on reservations, where their wealth and success is routinely tapped to perpetuate the hobo lifestyle for the masses. The movie centers around one young lady from one of these "Success Farms" who falls madly in love with a hobo. (Gwyneth Paltrow? She would look particularly radiant and successful standing next to a grizzly bum). On the reservation, such people are called hobosexuals and looked down upon, but she rebels against her wealthy parents for the sake of true love. And in the end, learns just a little bit about being rich. Release this puppy the last week of December and it's a ready-made Oscar.

Someone Hits Nicholas Cage In The Face With A Frying Pan Like A Thousand Times: I'm sure people would pay good money for this. As a bonus, this will not affect his acting ability at all.

Why Did I Get Infected? What are the two most popular cultural icons in today's society? That's right--zombies and Tyler Perry. So why not combine the two? Zombies have infiltrated an upper-middle class black community, and everyone learns the value of loyalty and cooperation while they fend off a horde of brain-starved walking dead. There are plenty of opportunities for laughs, sadness, and maybe a bit of controlled violence. Hell, throw Medea in there somewhere. I don't know. I've never seen any of those movies. All I know is having "Tyler Perry's" precede whatever it is your movie title is will make it about fifty million more dollars. Sure, it may seem like forcing zombies into a modest movie franchise is stretching it, but everyone involved will be eating hundred dollar bills for breakfast, so who cares?

What! Is! This! Someone go get me a proper shotgun!

Forever Zedong: Lampooning Hitler is old hat now; you can only have so many Springtime for Hitlers before it gets a little creepy. So why not go after number two? Mao Zedong, the twentieth century's second-highest tyrant, has never gotten the appropriate treatment. And it's been a while since Hollywood has made a big time, full-scale musical, so why not do it now? It will have a cast of thousands! Each of which will then be sent to the fields to work the ground for the rest of their lives. With such musical numbers as "Little Red Book," "My Backyard Steel Furnace Burns Nightly For You,"  "May A Thousand Flowers Bloom Like My Heart Does For You Before I Am Shot In The Back Of The Head For Dissenting," "My Five-Year Plan For Loving You," and the showstopper "Let's All Take A Great Leap Forward Again," the latter of which will hopefully spawn a new dance craze. It's time that Hollywood exposes the real ancient Chinese secret--Broadway!

*This is a lie.

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