Thursday, February 3, 2011

Guide for Unrepentant Gamblers: Odds for Super Bowl XLV

Not everyone likes the Super Bowl; there are many people out there that just aren't into football. But never fear! There is one very easy way to make the Super Bowl interesting for you. This is called gambling.

Every year, the Gambling-Industrial Complex tries to formulate any conceivable way for people to put their hard-earned money on the game--how long will the national anthem be? How many commercials will there be?--and so on. People can place bets and waste--I mean, earn--money based on the outcome.

So for those looking to cash in, here's a list of the most popular odds:

The Black Eyed Peas will play a song no one who watches football will have ever heard before: 3-1

The Black Eyed Peas will be a group that no one who watches football will have ever heard before: 2-1

Fergie will piss herself on stage: 2-1

Regardless of whether the Pittsburgh Steelers or the Green Bay Packers win, Jerry Jones will try and make this Super Bowl about the Dallas Cowboys: 4-1
Emergency Lipitor prescriptions will increase dramatically in the next few days as Pittsburghers and Wisconsinites arrive: 2-1

Some clever deli owner in Fort Worth will come up with and sell a "Roethlisburger" and assume that he is the first one to come up with this: 3-2

The shortage of strippers will dissipate once they realize that Roethlisberger has been taking saltpeter daily since his suspension: 4-1

A bird will fly out of Brett Kiesel's beard sometime after the start of the second quarter: 2-1

Kiesel will then shoot said bird with a bow and eat it during halftime: 2-1

B.J. Raji and Casey Hampton will, combined, eat more than the entire population of China in chicken wings before, during, and after the game. 4-3

Mike Tomlin will smile, frown, or show any emotion at all: 4500-1

Hines Ward will smile after each play regardless of his or his team's performance: 2-1

At some point during the game, the parts of Ines Sainz that are considered to be a reporter will get a close-up shot from the camera: 3-1

Shots before and after commercials will show french fries on sandwiches, Lake Michigan, cheese mills, or random fat dudes that are obviously not cowboys wearing cowboy hats: 3-2

James Harrison will straight-up murder someone on the field: 3-1

Someone from Wisconsin will send me a nasty e-mail advising me that they are not called cheese mills but are called dairy processing plants or something like that: 3-2

People will still somehow manage to have fun despite the fact that there are no cheerleaders from either team: 4-1

Someone will say immediately after the game "You know, I'm glad I just watched my team in the Super Bowl. But what I was really waiting for was to see them in the Pro Bowl next week. Guess that's not gonna happen now." 3000-1

Someone will point out that Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest guacamole consumption day of the year as if this has been a fact established by multiple Nobel Prize-winning researchers, even though it's all bullshit: 2-1

The outcome of the Super Bowl will affect the next election and/or the performance of the stock market: 10000-1 will have a commercial that will point out the benefits of creating an account with them: 5000-1 will have a commercial that will feature some whore falling out of a tank top: 3-2

John Madden will be interviewed and he will be under the assumption that Brett Favre is playing in this game: 4-1

Hell--i.e., Dallas--will freeze over: Push

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