Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Holy Steel City, Batman!

Today, after months of speculation, it was officially announced that the Dark Knight Rises will officially shoot partially in Pittsburgh.

Having Pittsburgh as a stand-in for Gotham City has a certain level of charm to it, but director Christopher Nolan and the decades-long tradition of the Batman franchise will have a lot of adapting to do. For example:

*There is no shortage of abandoned warehouses or other industrial buildings--such as, say, oh, I don't know, steel mills--with which to conduct his extralegal "business."
*Everyone has to make sure Michael Keaton isn't hanging around. We don't want Mr. Mom to go all nuts on the new guy or anything. 
*If you honestly think there's not going to be a bat-shaped Smiley Cookie, you haven't been paying close enough attention.
*To truly cut down on crime, Bruce Wayne may have to set up a satellite branch in Milledgeville, Georgia. 
*If Robin is unavailable, he could easily be replaced by Brent Johnson.
*It will be easy to track down some of Batman's most notorious criminals--The Penguin is really Iceberg; Poison Ivy will be hanging out at Matrix; The Scarecrow will be in Butler County; and the Joker will be in charge at the Port Authority.
*If there's ever a need for another sidekick, the Strip District Tranny is available. But be warned--he may have more identity issues than Two-Face.
*Even with all of the technology Lucius Fox will pilfer from CMU, the Batmobile still isn't going to get very far on 28 North. Hopefully the Riddler doesn't try to pull any of his shit at RIDC Park.
*The bat cave is conveniently located within the North Shore Connector. It's not like anyone is going to find it there.
*Instead of the city signaling for Batman, Batman will have to signal the mayor to find out where he is. Hopefully the signal can be seen all the way from Seven Springs or wherever Toby Keith is playing at any particular time.

As Pittsburghers, we have an obligation to the Caped Crusader to make the filming as easy and productive as possible. And for crying out loud, make sure the lighting is properly set up. We don't need to have Christian Bale returning any videotapes down on Liberty Avenue.

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