Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Rock Stars

When I was a child, I never had any dreams of being a rock star or a movie celebrity. The closest I wanted to brush fame was perhaps as a politician, a writer, or--on some days--a sitcom star or a member of a comedy sketch program.* But I was fully aware that the lure of the stage was strong for many, and a glut of Music Education teachers was the result.

But that doesn't mean that I didn't just stumble on an incredibly lucrative idea while bored in the middle of the day today: I'm going to create and manage a new band. But not just any band, mind you. This band will have a twist, though--it will be made out of old guys in their 40's. I'm going to name them the "Mid-Life Crises."

You see, there are no doubt millions of closet musicians out there who didn't have the time, resources, or luck to make it in the music industry. Sure, some people may have played in a garage band or participated in a few events in college, but a minor lucky few turn it into a career, let alone a decent part-time job. But everyone out there at one point wanted to be a rock star. And there are enough accountants, insurance salesmen, and parking lot attendants who had the talent and the ability but just didn't have the breaks. And all I need is many four or five of them.

So I'll get these guys together. They just need to be able to play. Songwriters are easy to come by, so they don't have to have any writing abilities. Most of these guys will just feel lucky to be in a real band, which also means they can get paid cheap. It will all be about promotion, which is why I would charge such hefty fees for the privilege.

And, most importantly, we wouldn't have the tension that normally comes with a hot new band. Young guys love drugs, sex, and freedom from social restraint, and they often fall prey to their excesses. Just as very few hit the big time in the music industry, even less manage to not succumb to the lure of addiction and child support payments.  And egos grow quick and big when you're a 22-year-old millionaire, and soon your working on "outside projects" and "solo careers" while the bassist and the drummer start contacting lawyers. With the Mid-Life Crises, we don't have to worry about any of that. These guys will be too worried about finding an all-night pharmacy to fill their Lipitor prescription and not wanting to sign up for COBRA benefits to fight and ruin their new sweet gig.

I'd gladly join in this band, except for the fact that I 1) can't sing, 2) play an instrument, and 3) am tone deaf. So I wouldn't harbor any ambitions myself outside of the industry standard 10%. I mean 15%.

*Trust me, my big fear is that after I die someone will find a 5 1/4 disk drive, find a bunch of disks in my attic, and will then have access to some of the absolute worst sketch comedy ever created by mankind that I created when I was like 12. I can only hope that the great Magnet Wars will prevent any of that from ever happening.

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