Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Tase of Summer

There has been a lot of local press and varied opinions about the rowdy fan that was tased during a Pittsburgh Pirates game this past weekend. Short version: Big dude gets crazy drunk, becomes violent and annoying, stadium security can't handle it, cops come, and an endless unsolvable debate ensued about whether the fan was asking for it or the police overreacted.

Ballpark security is actually a bit of a hot topic at the moment, ever since a San Fransisco Giants fan was beaten into a coma while watching his team play the Dodgers. Now, to be fair, the only time you'll see anyone slip into a coma at PNC Park is while actually watching the team play. What happened this past weekend was unfortunate, but at least no one was seriously injured, aside from the Bucco's record.

Still, it would be wise for the management of the park to take some precautions to make sure something like this never happens again by cutting down the alcohol consumption and identifying troublesome fans before they escalate into tase-worthy incidents. Here are some helpful tips:

*Equip the Pirate Parrot with a projectile that shoots dispersal bullets out of his beak.
*Raise the price of beer to reduce consumption. That's worked in the past, right?
*Improve the average behavior of the crowd by trading developing fans to St. Louis and bring up some of the promising younger fans currently being trained in Indianapolis.
*If a park staff member needs to quickly sober an unruly fan, they simply need to show them how much of their ticket revenue is going to Seven Springs instead of payroll.  
*Force unruly fans to dress up and run in the Pierogi Race. Anyone who wins a race gets an arbitrator to award them a million and a half dollars. Last place gets season tickets.
*To guide staff in identifying inebriated guests, they simply have to conduct a field sobriety test. The alleged drunk will have to recite the names of the current Pirates roster for this year. OK, perhaps that's too hard.
Maybe only half of the roster. Two? From any roster of the past ten years?
*Gently tell Matt Morris he doesn't have to show up anymore. He never did before, so why start now?
*Limit alcoholic consumption to one shot every time Charlie Morton actually strikes someone out.
*Encourage safety by randomly selecting individuals who can pass a sobriety test and grant them a prize: a half off coupon for a Primanti's sandwich. Or, alternately, play left field.
*Have the team play better so fans don't have to be drunk to sit through it.

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