Friday, June 10, 2011

Trending: The British Are Ringing! Edition

Paul Revere: Push You are no longer a warmed-over fairy tale told to children who would rather hear about horserides and secret decoder lantern messages than state sovereignty, the political transformation of puritanism,  and royal-colonial friction. You are now yet another asterisk in the already increasingly footnote-laden career of Sarah Palin.

E3: -2 Unless they are releasing a new game that isn't, you know, the exact same FPS they've been releasing for the past decade, I'm not interested.

Newt Gingrich: -10 I was always confused as to why you ran in the first place. You have deep, thoughtful ideas, which is an immediate disqualification for the office of the presidency. You are kind of a prick, which of course always helps. But to piss off your entire staff--you know, the exact sort of people who have supported you and stuck with you for over two decades or so--is widely seen as somewhat of a minor gaffe. I'm sure you can tough it out and come through with minimal damage, but then again, so do bedliners.

German Produce -6 Hey, kids: Don't want to eat your veggies? Just tell your parents the Germans are trying to kill you. Get out of jail free, baby!

Tracey Morgan: -1 Tracey Morgan says something offensive and unpredictable? Heavens to betsy, you don't say! Next you'll be telling me that Alec Baldwin is a self-absorbed misogynist.

Facial Recognition: +2 People are going batshit crazy because Facebook is integrating a facial recognition system into user's profiles  Another security layer chipped away by the evil hand of Mark Zuckerberg! Why is everyone so surprised? It's call Facebook. It's right there! In the title! Why are we all so alarmed?

Weinergate: -4 I find it odd that during the congressional orientation of all new members they don't spend a day going over "Please Don't Take Pictures of Your Junk. And If For Some Completely Insane Reason You Still Do It, Don't Send It To Anyone." That's what got Martin van Buren in trouble, you know. Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. 

National Donut Day +8 i.e., every day.

Human Centipede 2: -4 The movie has been banned in the UK. Is there any way to have a movie retroactively banned? As in can be unseen by those who have seen it? About the only thing the original movie was good for was to create a more accurate meaning of the name "Facebook" than The Social Network did.

Mad Libs: Leonard B. Stern, the creator of Mad Libs, died this week. It was a very __adjective__ service where many __plural noun__ were __verb__.

1 comment:

  1. MVB flashing Old Kinderhook: both hilariously disturbing and disturbingly hilarious.