Friday, June 17, 2011

Trending: Mormons, Canucks, and The Great Syrian Hoax Edition

Hugh Hefner: -2 His soon-to-be-bride left him mere days before their wedding. Gosh, it's like she doesn't appreciate the sanctity of marriage.

Vancouver Burning: -6 I never understood sports riots. Sometimes it happens when you win, sometimes when you lose. I understand there may be an alternate reasoning: in Third World countries, soccer matches blow of steam from a repressive government, while when WVU wins burning couches is a victory riot as well as remodeling. And now Vancouver. I haven't seen the photos, so I'm assuming a Canadian riot means they don't use turn signals and fail to say "thank you" when served at coffee shops.

The Tony Awards: +5 The biggest winner was The Book of Mormon, written by the South Park guys. The lead actors could not make it because they were all running for president. 

Facebook: -5 It lost more American users than it gained last month. Does no one worry about the consequences of this? Millions of people are going to virtually starve and pixelated farmlands lay fallow. Charities and advocacy groups are going to go broke due to lack of copy-and-paste sympathy. And no one will ever talk to the people they hated in high school ever again. 

GOP Hopefuls: +2 This is the magic of low expectations: They didn't handle snakes, they didn't advocate  shooting poor people for sport, and they didn't have a cage match with one another. Ergo, it was a success. With the possible exception of Mormon Guy #1 and Sarah Palin Lite, though, no one really looked like the dragonslayer. (Well, Newt did, but in the literal and not the figurative sense. He looked like he just gained 200 experience points and spent it all on his +4 Sword of Health Care Annihilation.)


The Green Lantern -3: Hopefully there's a lot of green on the movie screen, because it's doubtful there will be much at the box office.

Palin Emails: -1 The biggest shocker? She was sending emails claiming to be an Alaskan princess with trouble getting some funds out of her Juneau bank account. She will pay you dearly for the service, of course, and if you like she can pay you in generic prescription drugs and foreign lottery tickets.

A Gay Girl In Damascus Hoax: -4: Because on the internet, no one knows if you're a lesbian Syrian revolutionary blogger or some dude in his underwear: PRO TIP: They're all dudes in underwear.

Weiner Finally Resigns: -4 PRO TIP: They're all dudes in underwear.

My New Hair Dryer +1750 Watts: It has a retractable cord, several settings, the cold blast button, and as an added bonus isn't trying to electrocute me. Looks like a home run

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