Friday, June 3, 2011

Trending: Shaq Fu vs. Chinese Hackers Edition

Mitt Romney: +2 Finally runs for president. Romney brings a lot of things to the GOP field for 2012, mostly because he has a proven track record of 1) being Mormon 2) enacting Obama's health care program before Obama even got elected and 3) losing. Also: he's the frontrunner. This, um, will be a long year for the Republicans.

NHL Playoffs +4 Woooot! Will Canada finally take back the Cup and parade it around Stanley Park? Will Boston stop its drought of losing? Two good, tight teams. It's too bad ESPN doesn't make any money off of hockey so they would, you know, actually cover it. Because, you know, it's a sport. 

NBA Playoffs -4 Didn't we do this already a few years ago? Who is playing, again? The St. Augustine Ego and the Birmingham Steamwhistles? Wake me up when Dwayne Wade checks someone to the court floor and there is BLOOD.

Shaquille O'Neal +5 Shaq finally calls it quits. Alternate occupation options: 1) rap star; 2) movie star; 3) reality TV star; 4) martial arts expert; or 5) just sitting around BEING AWESOME.

Lindsey Lohan: -2 Her monitoring bracelet malfunctioned. Dammit, when Lohan has a wardrobe malfunction, why can't it be the more awesome kind?

The Tree of Life: -3 A pretentious, self-involved movie shown at Cannes won the Palme d'Or? And yet it's a move that has no plot and still managed to garner a lot of boos and hostility from the critics? Somehow I think Nicholas Cage is involved.

Third-Grade-Level Irony: +8 So a representative named Weiner (snicker) gets caught tweeting a photo of his wiener (snort). That's so funn--wait a sec. This is an elected official? In charge of running the country? Shit.

Gmail: -5 So much for Google's reputation of being a reasonably safe suite of applications. Getting hacked by the Chinese--and having the accounts of many senior American officials to boot--isn't doing much to reassure people of the safety of the internet. Along with recent breaches of the Playstation Network and other web sites, it will take a while for people to regain the LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA

The Hangover: +6 Kudos to Todd Phillips. Not often you get to release the same movie twice and still have it make so. much. money.

Groupon: +4 Obligatory joke: if enough people buy the IPO, do we all get it at 50% off?

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