Casey Anthony Verdict: -10: To be fair to Florida, they already have to take care of Hulk Hogan, Scientology, and intermittent visits by the cast of Jersey Shore. It's hard to stay focused on such abstract things like justice.
Last Shuttle Launch: -5: No worries, everyone. The space age continues. Only instead of NASA stenciled on the side, it will have a Virgin Mobile logo or an ad for the Kindle plastered on the side. Hey, time marches on.
News of the World: -4 Rupert Murdoch is shocked, shocked that his reporters are hacking into dead girls' phones in pursuit of a splashy, scandalous story. He almost had to stop editing long-view photographs of Christina Hendricks on the beach without makeup and barely pixelated pictures of congressmen's genitalia to deal with it. Almost.
First Successful Synthetic Organ Transplant: +2 Why is this news? The McRib has been on the market for a while now.
Taylor Swift Gets Bronchitis: -2 Thankfully, this will not affect her singing abilities.
Women's World Cup: Push If the US Women's Soccer team loses to Sweden, does it make a sound?
South Sudan: +5 Congratulations, South Sudan, on becoming the world's newest independent nation. That's one more to add to the list of nations that Americans can't find on the map.
Soap Operas on the Web: +3 Trying to breathe new life into an old concept, some of the last few remaining soap operas that were due to be cancelled are going to the web. So instead of watching your stories interrupted by commercials, you can watch them in 45-second snippets while Windows Media Player buffers. Or, as they are known now, "dramatic pauses."
Independence Day: +8 We celebrated yet another year as a nation by putting off fireworks and talking a half-day on Tuesday, despite the best efforts of debt-ceiling demagogues, mysteriously disappearing job figures, and Horrible Bosses to rip the roof off the joint and kick it to the curb. Liberty, freedom, and the American Way will preserve us, at least as long as our bond rating remains at AAA.
Betty Ford: +10 Good on you, Mrs. Ford. You kicked the bottle, helped others do the same, outed your daughter's nonexistent affair, and ushered us through your husband's unfortunate Presidency. You hung in their until 93, giving boozehounds and addicts a strong, beaming ray of hope.