Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Terrifying New Changes To Your Favorite Tech Companies

It wasn't a good week for tech companies.

First, Netflix announces a name change and organizational restructuring (oh, and a half-assed apology), enraging long-time users. Then Facebook's new design has frustrated many individuals and compromised security of accounts. But these two aren't the only companies that are making missteps.

Here is a list of massive changes that big tech companies are planning on implementing very soon, for good or bad:
  • Yahoo! will adopt some sort of product or service that will generate income
  • If you download a holistic health book, A Shore Thing, or any Dan Brown book to your Amazon Kindle, Jeff Bezos will personally come to your house and punch you in your stupid face
  • Twitter will automatically suspend your account if you post what you are eating
  • HP will move from the manufacturing of computers to burning down their own offices and factories.
  • Google will automatically send a message with your search bar queries to your spouse once a month
  • PayPal will reroute unused funds in your account to this guy they got a hot tip from in Nigeria.
  • Apple will start ordaining clergymen
  • Internet Explorer will promise everything they can come over to his house and play cars and eat sundaes if they just use him
  • Wikipedia will stop auto-deleting the page you made about your ex-girlfriend and the different sections entitled "That Whoreface," "Her Sister Was Hotter," and "I Sat Through A Jason Mraz Concert For You, You Heartless Bitch."
  • YouTube will exclusively offer content related to dogs riding on skateboards and cats falling off things
The march of progress goes on.

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