Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Halloween Costumes: Pittsburgh Edition

It is that time of year, when normal human beings who have regular-person problems like mortgages and cable television think that it is a good idea to dress up in something ridiculous that is probably a mixture of topical, slutty, and easily thrown together five minutes before you leave for a party.

Of course, it's always embarrassing to show up at a party and have the same costume as a dozen other people. I can't tell you how many times I've slapped together my Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke costume just to show up with five other guys like it's a board meeting to set interest rates. Man, is my face always red.

Here in Pittsburgh, it's always a blast to see people who embrace the nature of the character of our fair metropolis. Residents go the extra mile to make sure their disguise is Steel City specific, and I am talking about going even above paying money to have a custom-made "Rapistberger" jersey.

So for those of you who are going to a Halloween party this coming week in the wonderful city of Pittsburgh, here are some good suggestions for what you can wear and how you can act at a party:

Pennsylvania Turnpike Worker: Come dressed as the relative on the Turnpike Commission that got you your job.
The Civic Arena: Just pick out the ugliest thing from the 60's in your closet. Warning: if you try to take your costume off after the party, people will show up at your house to prevent you from doing so.
High Octane Offense: Tell everyone about your awesome costume before the party; just make sure whatever it is you do end up wearing is not only a huge disappointment but also doesn't really work.
Pittsburgh Pirate: Technically, there may be a prize for best costume, but deep in your heart you know you don't have a shot.
Route 28: Wear an orange cone on your head, and keep it there about eighteen months longer than you should.
Batman: Wear the standard cape and mask. Make sure you somehow convince everybody that depicting your city as a crime-ridden shithole filled with mental asylum escapees is somehow a boon to tourism and the local economy.
The Clarks: Well, there's going to be more than five people in a room in Pittsburgh, so they're probably already booked.
CMU Graduate: Just construct a robot to design a costume for you.
The Zanesville Lion: We're still making Zanesville jokes, right?
Obnoxious Tailgating Steelers Fan: Show up drunk, throw trash at any jersey not colored white or black, declare formally that any season that finished worse than 10-6 is a miserable failure, and spend half your time pissing in a mason jar. Also: no purchase of disguise required. 
Marcellus Shale: Show up uninvited and piss in the punch bowl.
Evgeni Malkin: Help set up the party, but when it's time to arrive, don't show up.
Occupy Pittsburgh Protester: Tweet a picture from your iPhone of you eating a Primanti's sandwich to show solidarity with those poor one-handed steelworkers.
PAT Bus Driver: It is optional whether you show up.

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