Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Occupy [Insert Name Here]!

In cities across the nation, protesters calling themsleves Occupy Wall Street have gathered large groups to bring attention to a variety of causes: the increasing income gap in our society, the reckless behavior of our banking community, and who was supposed to chip in for this sweet sack of prime bud but hasn't yet becuase I'm not paying for everyone else to get high.

Whether you are in sympathy with the protestors or not, there is always some notion in the back of your mind glad that our country has embedded in its fabric the right to free speech and to air social and political grievances. And in that spirit, I have decided to start my own protest group right in my hometown: Occupy Market Street! (I was going to choose a more logical place, Occupy Water Street, but that is already occupied by drivers who apparently don't know that you still use turn signals even when you are going right.)

Here is a list of current demands for Occupy Market Street!

  • Require, by law, that anyone getting money out of the ATM machine have to shiftily wait their turn by squaring themselves exactly parallel with the current user about eight feet away from the machine while focusing on the garbage can or the light fixture so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable.
  • Have most stores at least make an effort to look like they are something more than just a front for diet pill pyramid schemes
  • Re-post all parking meters to mean "52 minutes" instead of "one hour" so that the fascist meter maid with her rigged timers goosesteps over to my car with her ticket pad at the appropriately designated time, not some time frame cooked up in the laboratory stationed in Fantasyland. Not that I'm bitter.
  • Create a regulatory environment that protects ordinary citizens at the expense of unscrupulous financiers. Just kidding! We need a Tim Hortons.
  • Instead of offering withered, flaccid corn and half-rotted pears that look like they spent the night at Chris Brown's house, farmer's markets should offer higher-quality items, like alar-laced apples and cake.
  • Bring back the shop that sold counterfeit sports jerseys was raided a few years ago. Sure, it was illegal, but it was dirt cheap to strut around town in my brand new Rathlistburger throwback.
  • Take up a fund to send the Creepy Guy Who Rides Around Town On A Bike All Day Long to a Creepy Guy Who Rides Around Town On A Bike All Day Long Convention so he can be a better and more effective Creepy Guy Who Rides Around Town On A Bike All Day Long.
  • Tell the guy with the "One Big Ass Mistake America" sign taking up half of his window that it really wasn't that clever two years ago and and it certainly isn't now, so it's time to rip off a different bumper sticker for the new year.
  • Adopt a resolution that someone's level of patriotism is directly correlated with the number of American flags attached to lightposts and storefronts. Also: ORCHARD STREET IS A BUNCH OF GODLESS COMMIES
  • Confirm that we have moved past the "Old men playing checkers while sitting on a barrel" phase to "Old men reading newspapers and under the sad impression that the jobs at the mill are coming back some day."
  • Form a regular patrol that, along with a sack of doorknobs and a fistful of quarters, will visit those establishments who inexplicably still do not accept credit cards and see if they can "change some minds".
  • More small business owners should be willing to give out free ice cream and pepperoni rolls to third-rate local bloggers

We are the future. We will change the world. We are Occupy Market Street! At least until Glee comes on tonight.

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