Thursday, November 24, 2011

Awesome Black Friday Deals!

Black Friday is tomorrow, so I figured that as a service to my reading public I would compile all of the awesome Black Friday deals in one place so you can plan your long, cold nightmare of a shopping trip tonight. Happy consumering!

  • Liquor stores open an hour before midnight. Retail employees only.
  • Awesome deals have already started prior to Black Friday, as the entire stock of clothes from Banana Republic were sold to Old Navy, and vice versa, and so far no one has noticed.
  • For those more pretentious customers, grab some awesome deals at Target. The premium customers pay for the sole purpose of being able to claim that they never shop at Wal-Mart for the exact same items will be slightly reduced (but not too much, lest you become part of the proletariat!) for the winter season.
  • Pier 1 Imports has fantastic deals on shit you can’t afford and don’t need.
  • You can still nab a few post-Thanksgiving turkeys on the cheap, as Warner Brothers releases new supplies of The Green Lantern on DVD.
  • You can get Skyrim for only a portion of your soul. Limited time only.
  • Radio Shack will celebrate the holiday season by somehow managing to stay in business for another year.
  • Stop at CVS for all of your needs which curiously do not involve pharmaceuticals.
  • “WE ARE PENN STATE” apparel available for very, very cheap in size S.
  • In a bold move, Apple announced that an industry-wide sale of all Apple products starts of Friday, where retail price has been reduced to only a leg. (Arm still required for extended warranty.)
  • So far, there have been no sales alerts on Italian bonds. Keep an eye open in your inbox, though!
  • Crates of “I’m A Cainiac” bumper stickers can be found very cheap in a variety of outlets.
  • Savvy shoppers may be able to pick up a BOGO for former Indianapolis Colts quarterbacks. (No refunds or warranties available). Also look for sweet deals in Seattle, Kansas City, and San Diego.
  • Kohl’s has a special discount for those who promise not to take their child out into the parking lot and beat them.*
  • Sears has a few flyer where they will sell you anything at a reduced price as long as you please, please come shop at our stores. We’re begging you! Just walk into our store! We don’t want to be the new Montgomery Wards! We used to do those Wish catalogues! You remember those, right? Aren’t those sweet memories from your childhood worth paying inflated prices for shitty products?
  • If you are looking to get a reduced cost on the massive amount of additional features for electronics that you will never figure out how to use but are willing to pay additional actual cash for so that you don’t look stupid in front of your friends or the salespeople, Best Buy has exactly what you need.
  • Stop by Panera Bread after you are done shopping, where thanks to the holiday the workers will promise not to mock you behind your back for paying ten bucks for bread, lettuce, and a quarter slice of honey ham
  • Wal-Mart, as always, will have rural Chinese workers for sale at steep discounts off of full retail.

*YOU THOUGHT WE FORGOT ABOUT THAT, DIDN’T YOU

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