Friday, November 4, 2011

The Curious Case of the Abandoned Suspicious Spackle

While traveling to the mall tonight, my wife and I were stopped at a red light in a reasonably busy intersection. Not the normal scene of a crime that didn't involve insurance fraud...or so we thought.

We caught the tail end of the amber light while no one was moving, which, while irritating, was hardly unusual. Then the second car in pulled into the right lane and conversed with the front-most car briefly, at which point the light turned green again, and we were stuck not moving again. Unfortunately, we couldn't tell if this was going to be an escalating gunfight or if someone was simply being a frustratingly good Samaritan and giving directions at the most inconveniently determined time.

Then, suddenly, we noticed that the driver of the stopped car--a near-bald man--had placed something on the side of the road. He got back into the car, and traffic started to move again. Upon passing the items, it turns out they dumped what appeared to be a paint can, a bucket of something (possibly Spackle), and a large cardboard box.

What exactly transpired that would cause such singular actions? My wife and I discussed this, and came up with the following completely reasonable theories:

There was a domestic argument. This is my favorite theory, since it seems likely and plausible. Husband and wife get in an argument about who knows what, he declares he is under no circumstances going to finish the dining room, and to prove how serious he is he dumps the just-purchased items on the grass on the side of the road.

It was a bomb. Near-bald and driving a sedan is a profile for terrorists, right? Although slightly inconveniencing the intersection outside the mall seems a few steps down from the Kenyan embassy.

It was an act of passive-aggressiveness against the Home Depot. As in, I'm not gonna be a part of the system, man, and to show my displeasure at the capitalist pigs I am dumping some random shit I just bought at the hardware store.

It was a dead baby. My wife has been watching American Horror Story too much. But perhaps the Dumpster was full.

It was a horcrux. You never know.

It was a drug deal. He kinda looked more like a consumer than a distributor, if you know what I mean. But nothing better than hiding in plain sight.

He was planting a geocache. I don't think he quite gets how that works. Or maybe it's BRILLIANT.

He was planning on doing roadwork the following morning. Hey, state budgets are tight nowadays, and I  think the quality would be just about the same.

Once we were done at the mall, we passed that spot where it was dropped off, but, alas, we couldn't see if it was still there. Sometimes, some mysteries are best left as mysteries. Unless you see Voldemort getting a pretzel at Auntie Anne's. Then we're all in trouble.

Update 11/5/11: Another bucket of spackle was spotted outside a VFW on our way to an event. The plot thickens. 

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