Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Fantasy Office League

Fantasy Football is ending in a few weeks. And, thankfully, there are plenty of other options for those who enjoy the fantasy leagues, such as hockey, soccer and basketb--er, well, maybe not.

Still, it's a shame that there aren't any good non-sports fantasy leagues. Granted, a proper fantasy setup requires some form of competition, and there aren't many viable options aside from sports. Still, it shouldn't take much to look around at all the everyday things we do in our life to find a way to make it more interesting. Such as, say, your office?

Position: The Skirter
  • 1 point for every minute they are late and every minute they leave early
  • 2 points for every committee they put their name on without actually attending any meetings or contributing anything
  • 5 points for every hour they spend gossiping instead of working, then blaming everyone else when a project isn't completed
Position: Cat Lady
  • 1 point for every picture of a cat in their cube
  • 2 points instead if the cat in question is wearing clothing
  • 3 points instead if the clothing in question was knitted by the cat's owner
  • 1 point for each coupon clipped at their desk

Position: IT
  • 2 points every time they yell at you to change your password
  • 3 points every time they blame "corporate policies" for some problem they can't figure out
  • 4 points every day they get away with having clothing and a hairstyle that would be unacceptable under any other condition aside from the fact that they know all the porn sites their boss visits each day

Position: Human Resources Representative
  • 1 point for every moment they suck the joy and life out of
  • 3 points for every motivational poster they insist on hanging up
  • 5 points for acting on complaints about cleavage
Position: The Obsolete Embarrassment  
  • 1 point for each year they "intend on working" so their Social Security payment gets increased
  • 3 points for every time they assume that learning how to successfully copy and paste puts them on an equal computer literacy level as their co-workers
  • 1 point for each Window they have open at any given time

Position: The Clueless Annoyance
  • 3 points for each they they heat up something obnoxious in the break room microwave
  • Extra 2 points if it is burnt popcorn
  • 4 points for using the last of the coffee and not making a new pot*
  • 4 points every time they leave the bathroom without washing their hands
  • 1 point each day their iPod headphones are turned up loud enough for all neighbors to hear
Position: The Overdressed Female
  • 1 point each time she says something about how quickly she is going to be promoted
  • 2 points each time she mentions how successful her sorority sisters are and how that is why she will also succeed
  • 3 points each time she becomes the Shirker because she is clearly better suited to a more prominent position so why waste her time doing her job?
  • 5 points each time she flirts with her male superiors
  • 10 points each time she is denied a promotion and she claims it is sexism

Position: The Intern
  • 4 points every time he hits on the Overdressed Female
  • 2 points every time he runs to the convenience store on his break
  • 4 points every time he complains that work is ruining his plans for Burning Man
  • 6 points each time he mistakenly thinks that his internship is going to matter in the real working world
Position: Overenthusiastic Local Professional Sports Follower
  • 2 points every time they wear a licensed jersey as business casual
  • 4 points every time they question the local coach's decision and assume that this brave stance is the equivalent of the "I Have A Dream," "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You," and "Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall" speeches combined
  • 10 points for somehow managing to maintain a job as an administrative sales support project manager while still knowing more than all of the current NFL head coaches, staff, and commentators

Position: The Peter Principle
  • 1 point for each corporate buzzword used to cover up the fact that they don't know the answer to something or do not care to divulge bad news
  • 2 points for each time they mention what university they attended, as if that mattered the moment they graduated 
  • 4 points for each spelling and/or grammatical error on a company-wide email that is sent out
 However this works out, I'm not sure I want to be around for the playoffs.

*Dick.

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