Monday, November 21, 2011

Last Minute Holiday Supercommittee Ideas

It appears that the so-called Supercommittee is poised to admit defeat--all of the hand-wringing about the debt ceiling a few months ago was all for naught. (Or, really, who knows. Both sides are most likely prepared to unleashed horrible things. Happy Thanksgiving!)

Since the deadline technically isn't until later in the week, I propose this set of budget decisions that may go a long way in helping both sides reach an agreement.
  • Make sure anyone who bet the Colts to win the Superbowl this year never works in government again.
  • License Barack Obama's likeness for Obama's Presidential Slam 2K for the Kinect, where players try to navigate through one term of office actually accomplishing something that doesn't massively piss off half the country (aside from shooting bin Laden, offered in the convenient first-person shooter segment)
  • Put a swear jar in Joe Biden's office.
  • We all know that Rick Perry has a map to the Rio Grande Treasure on his person, so just have him rustle up a posse--which should include at minimum one half-drunk Irishman, one silent but indefensible Indian, an old prospector (i.e., Newt Gingrich) and a good-natured Negro--and set off against all odds to find it, where he may encounter deadly snakes, Mexican bandits, and the worst trial of all--human greed. Next on TBS.
  • Charge Rick Santorum ten bucks every time his mug shows up unnecessarily on TV. 
  • Does Ross Perot have any money left? Because I think we can still make that deal. (Don't tell Trump. Yet.)
  • Just get Ron Paul in the same locked room as the Supercommittee with some flat pine board, a bucket, leather restraints, and an endless supply of water. No questions asked.
  • Get the prostitutes that are servicing the Arabian delegation of diplomats to charge triple, diverting a third to the government in exchange for a blind eye.
  • Convince alumni of Penn State to donate funds to the government instead of their alma mater by promising to use the money in a more worthwhile endeavor, such as burning huge piles of cash on the mall before then tossing it down the bottomless rathole known as government spending. 
  • Send someone down to Occupy Wall Street with a backpack of dime bags, pirated copies of Rage Against the Machine CDs, and cheap subscriptions to Mother Jones.
  • Go back in time and hook a bunch of WWII servicemen on cigarettes so that they die earlier and put less of a burden on Social Security OH WAIT WE ALREADY DID THAT 
  • Plow all profits from the Twilight franchise into the federal coffers so at least some form of social good can come of it
  • Tell Europe to stop screwing around and get their shit together.
  • Barney Frank in a dunk tank on the grand mall. PROBLEM SOLVED.
  • Get Herman Cain to create and head the Department of Godfather's Pizza, with all profits generated (less any sexual harassment settlements) to pay down the debt.
  • Partially privatize Social Security and enact Medicare reimbursement methods to bring it in line with more realistic market-based models. LOL J/K! Just sell the Washington Monument to the Chinese.

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