Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's Resolutions, Pittsburgh Style

It's never too late to start your New Year's resolutions--although September seems a suspect choice--so it may not be a bad idea to look over some good candidates for improvement. So, Pittsburgh, here are some resolutions worth considering:
  • Stop entering the tunnels like you're acting out a sex ed video produced by the Promise Keepers. It's OK to go in full speed. 
  • If you see a child getting raped, make it your own personal policy to actually tell someone about it. Preferably within a time frame when someone can actually do something about it.
  • Please make sure you broaden your wardrobe, and  stop using your Lambert jersey as business casual.
  • If you resolve to get into a high-profile pissing match--about, say, oh, I don't know, providing health care--please don't buy up huge chunks of commercial radio airtime and play your fantasy arguments out ALL. DAY. LONG.
  • Just because you make it from Mount Washington to Wexford in twenty-five minutes does not make you Batman.
  • If you are the sort of person who says "I wish it were snowing!" in early December, make the effort to not be the person complaining that it's snowing too much in February. 
  • Also: pare your life down to the point where you can somehow, against all odds, survive without fresh milk and bread for, like, 36 hours.
  • Learn ALL of the words to the National Anthem.
  • Be temperate with your passions about football. If the Steelers somehow end a season at 6-10, welcome to how 95% of the league lives each year. It is not the end of the world and it is not Hines Ward's fault.
  • The next time you see Matt Cooke hit someone so that their eyes pop out of their sockets and little cartoon tweetybirds are hovering over his head, say "I hope he doesn't have a concussion" instead of screaming "YEAH OLD TIME HOCKEY BITCH"
  •  Root for the Pirates this year. Just don't be a chump about it.
  • Find new and creative culinary delights that you can make even better by putting french fries on it.

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