Monday, February 20, 2012

2012 Presidents' Day Trivia!

It's Presidents' Day! That's right, a holiday to celebrate our chief executive by having government offices and banks close and everyone else goes back to work as normal. Usually this day is a nice, guilt-free way to have a sale on winter boots and car accessories without feeling like you're selling out veterans, the flag, or Martin Luther King, Jr. It's also a boring holiday because no one is outside grilling because it's too damn cold. About the only fun thing is you get to read a whole bunch of random Presidential trivia.

This man was never President, but he was on money, which is more important, and so you shouldn't feel guilty about using his death as a reason to snap up that sweet deal you found on a new mulcher.

Oh my goodness! Presidential trivia! Unfortunately, Presidential trivia tends to be pretty boring too, because it's all the same stupid facts about how many cats Dolly Madison had or the type of carving Franklin Piece had on the pistol he used to shoot his wife. So, as a public service, here's a list of little-known facts about some of our more famous Presidents:

Benjamin Franklin was, in fact, our first president. However, a week into office, he had managed to violate the daughters of two prominent governors and once ate three whole turkeys in one sitting in front of the Russian ambassador without offering him so much as a potato. George Washington, with the help of John Adams and John Jay, along with the tacit approval of the legislative hierarchy, secretly injected him with mercury, declared him unfit for the Presidency, and wiped the history books clean.

George Washington's nickname was, in reality, "Old Mule," and not cause he was stubborn. He also had perfectly acceptable ivory teeth, but he got in so many barfights (along with Alexander Hamilton and Lafayette) the cost of replacing them was too great to maintain. He commonly wore wooden teeth because of this, bringing out the good choppers for state dinners and funerals.

Thomas Jefferson carved a sledge hammer out of a solid slab of granite he found in the hills of Monticello. He would sneak out into the night during his presidency to break the knees of Christians, steal their bibles, and kidnap their daughters to be prostitutes.

Lest you think that Andrew Jackson was all piss and vinegar, you'd be absolutely right. Not only did he hate Indians, blacks, Jews, the British, and women, he wasn't particularly keen on Chinamen, the French, New Englanders, bankers, highwaymen, frontiersmen, Mexicans, whalers, Spaniards, dogs, livestock, tin, printers, Southerners, explorers, sailors, or the army. Mostly, he drank and shot things, and that's why he is one of our greatest presidents.

James K. Polk was no higher that three feet high, much lower than the national average of the time of four and a half feet. He compensated for this diminutive stature by conquering the largest state at the time, Texas, and sonofabitch if they haven't let us forget it.

Zachary Taylor died when he drank an entire can of Mr. Pibb immediately after eating a packet of cherry Pop Rocks.

James Buchanan was our only single president, and we all know what that means--he was secretly a Sikh prince with whom a marriage was never appropriately arranged.

Ulysses S. Grant, in his retirement years, was nearly broke. In a desperate move, he sold his likeness to be on the $50 bill for--quite ironically--$50. When $50 bills failed to sell (people preferred the stateliness of a $1 Washington, or the dashing good looks of the martyred Hamilton) he wrote his memoirs, which sold guessed it: $50 apiece. Alas, he died of ink poisoning before he could enjoy his final years in peace and security.

Chester A. Arthur was never really President. He just kind of hung around the White House acting like he ran the place, much like Bruce Jenner does on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Grover Cleveland not only founded the city of Cleveland, he was also the inventor of Grover from Sesame Street. He is also the only president to have sired a child in each decade of the 19th century. Our only president to serve two non-consecutive terms, he spent his four years off traveling the Indian territory "finding himself," which apparently meant getting henna tattoos on his face and biweekly visits from a guy the White House staff just called "the Chief."

James Garfield was assassinated by a Terminator. I mean, c'mon. The guy could simultaneously write Latin and Greek on paper. No one 1) can write with both hands 2) have both those writings in two different non-native languages and 3) do that at the same time. Definitely Terminator-target material.

Theodore Roosevelt may not have been our greatest president, but he was certainly the most active. He was a weak child, suffering from asthma, poor vision, and a lack of any secondary bones in his body, and so made up for it by pretending to be a cowboy for half a decade, followed by another few years of being a reckless commander. When the other ranchers and soldiers made fun of his weak attempts at overcompensation, rather than wallow in self-pity, he would run crying to his ranch and rub the ice-blue gem he found in the Crater of Concordia that granted him super powers, which he would later use to bust up the trusts. 

William Howard Taft was not a particularly overweight man; he was, however, a kleptomaniac, and for some reason loved stealing--in particular--entire ham hocks a dozen at a time.  He would feel bad about it later, but his wife made fantastic sandwiches.

Woodrow Wilson has, to date, been the only president who was born with a wooden stick up his ass. During his presidency, medical advances had made it possible to have it removed, and after much deliberation decided to go ahead with the procure. Once he did, however, he legalized hemp, gave women the vote, and started dating a teenage African girl named Daisy. Under the influence of ether, Colonel House had the stick re-inserted with the patient none the wiser, and that's how the income tax amendment got passed.

Franklin Roosevelt has fully functional legs. He was just a huge lazy asshole.

Lyndon Johnson once invited Walter Cronkite to his ranch in Texas. While there, he watched and laughed as he forced the news anchor to kill and dress, with only a field knife, an entire Vietnamese boar. He then told Cronkite to roast the meat in an open pit while he did donuts in his Cadillac with his bloodhound riding shotgun for twenty minutes or so. After the meal, Johnson insisted they compare their javelin-throwing skills, and, when Cronkite somehow won, was banned from the White House for the rest of his career.

Right out of the army, Richard Nixon started a business selling self-frosted orange drink, cajoling all of his friends and family for cash. When the business flopped and all the money lost, he tried for the remainder of his life to right this wrong. In fact, in his memoirs, Henry Kissinger said that he saw tears in the President's eyes as the moonlight reflected off of each tear as he dumped the lifeless bodies of his former investors in the Potomac.

Ronald Reagan was not made out of teflon, as is commonly believed, but industrial-grade nerf. He was manufactured by the Krofft brothers shortly after H.R. Pufnstuf went off the air. Reagan returned the favor by showing up on occasional cameo appearances on Spitting Image and D.C. Follies

Dick Cheney was the first person to serve as Vice President and President simultaneously. 

Not only was Barack Obama the first president to be black and the first president from Hawaii, he is also the first president to Wang Chung tonight.