Thursday, February 2, 2012

Punxy Phil's Perilous Predictions

Today, Punxsutawney Phil will, as he has every year, reveal to the world whether we will have another six months of winter. It's an odd tradition, to be sure, but it's also a little-known fact that the groundhog makes a series of predictions, not just about the weather . Here's a sneak preview of what is going to happen in the net six weeks:


  • Phil's Facebook Timeline will remind everyone about how wrong he's been every year for the past decade.
  • Whatever the outcome, global warming advocates will claim that it's proof of global warming, while global warming skeptics will claim that it's proof that global warming is a hoax.
  • 120 minutes or so of pretentious bullshit will win the Academy Award for Best Picture.
  • Sidney Crosby will get a different diagnosis for every single portion of his body, all of which conflict and all of which will cause Penguins fans to declare it proof that he will be back any day now/will never play hockey again [alternating]. 
  • There will be about a thousand new "Shit _____ Says" videos uploaded to YouTube.
  • The Duggars will have about six more kids.
  • For some reason, the NBA will continue to play games according to their schedule.
  • Thousands of taxpayers will spend hours poring over arcane paperwork and unintelligible forms for the sole purpose of getting the government to send them a check after spending the previous year sending the government checks, and then act like it's a personal act of sacrifice upon the IRS that they did so.
  • Thousands of taxpayers then spend that entire check on a dozen roses.
  • Christina Aguilera manages to get through a performance where she 1) remembers all the words, 2) doesn't have something disgusting dripping down her leg, 3) doesn't look like she is trying to pass a stone while singing (you're soulful, we get it), and 4) does not get arrested for public intoxication afterwards.
  • Glee will have a theme night. Like they do every night.
  • Kim Kardashian will find, marry, and divorce someone.  
  • Newt Gingrich will find, divorce, and marry someone.
  • Somewhere, Pat Sajak will get very, very drunk.
  • No matter who wins the Superbowl, the dedicated fan base of the winning team will act like a bunch of insufferable pricks. As will the losers.

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