Sunday, March 25, 2012

Mad Men: Fifth Season Predictions

Finally, after a year and a half, we get to watch Mad Men again.

I wasn't a fan of everyone's favorite show about advertising, scotch, and sexism when it first came out. Not because I didn't like it, but because I never got around to watching it. It's one of those elusive basic cable shows that you convince yourself you're going to start watching any day now but instead you end up waiting until there are like four seasons and then you watch all 54 episodes in one weekend on Netflix. Not that I've ever done that.

Anyway, a lot has happened in Mad Men during its hiatus. Or I assume, anyway; the mid-60's have arrived, and with it all of the turmoil and tragedy of the time. Still, even with the history books written, the universe of Man Men has created such a rich collection of characters that the consequences are not only unpredictable but also quite interesting.

So for those of you looking for a sneak peek, if you will, of tonight's two-hour season premier of the fifth season, here are some things that might just happen tonight:

Don Draper, having come to terms with his dual identity, will embark on a new life with his new wife and new endeavors with the fledgling company, taking in the massive society changes in America, and adjusting his life for his children and new co-workers, all the while under the constant stress to invent a new reason to be so frustratingly mysterious and inscrutable.

Betty Francis will start taking barbiturates, which is pretty much standard issue for mid-60's divorcees. Given the fact that Sally will be hitting pre-teen puberty, I think everyone is going to need mother's little helper.
Joan Harris will have a girl. She will immediately belittle and condescend to as a power play as to not upset her socially-constructed position.

Don's new wife Megan will talk French a lot and announce that, despite the week-long time frame in which they knew each other, she has some sort of dark secret that will make life complicated for him, such as the fact that she doesn't approve of him continuing to have sex with other women.

Annie from Community will keep screaming at Pete Campbell to overthrow the entire advertising industry overnight and appoint himself head of all media because she likes to buy expensive useless shit. Harpy.

Duck Phillips will try to shit somewhere again.

Peggy Olson will do something slightly daring, such as smoke weed have a baby out of wedlock consort with lesbians get a stylish non-Norweigian haircut um, buy porn? Participate in a drag race? Start knocking off banks? She's escalating at an alarming rate. Maybe someone should say something.

Black People show up.

Lane Pryce, having sampled such United States customs as New York cab extortion and jungle fever, moves even further into Americana by driving needlessly around the interstate in a boat getting three miles to the gallon while eating hamburgers and shooting a hand pistol into the air.

Harry Crane will hopefully start advertising board games. Make this happen.

Ken Cosgrove will finally get his novel published, retire from advertising, and become a recluse in Vermont. Did you know he's from Vermont and a published author? He only mentions it like three times an episode. 

Bert Cooper will start the Hunger Games.

Roger Sterling will simultaneously have a stroke, epileptic seizure, heart attack, and develop Lou Gehrig's Disease while making love to a prostitute while drinking an entire bottle of Jameson, smoking a carton of Lucky Strikes, and an entire petri dish of amphetamines while eating a double bacon cheeseburger at the OTB.

Sal Romano will return, but his character will have given up on art and instead become one of the following: evangelical TV preacher, congressman, or center square.

Some major event, most likely dealing with race but possibly Richard Nixon, will occur and somehow be vaguely related to a personal crisis being suffered by a secondary character, which Don, Roger, Pete, and probably Peggy at this point will use as an excuse to get drunk, smoke, take recreational drugs, and have sex with their not wives with zero consequences to their personal or professional lives.

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