Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Helpful Tax Advice for 2012

Tax season is nearly upon us—for those not paying attention, you’ve got like six hours left or something—and millions of Americans are trying to get all of their affairs in order so they can construct the most plausible lie possible to convince a government agency of your tax burden without drawing the ire of underpaid accountants not skilled enough to get work in the private sector going through every receipt you’ve been foolish enough to keep on hand. 

It’s everyone’s goal to reduce one’s own tax burden…and why not? Deductions are created for a purpose, and that purpose is to vote for the person who provided you with that loophole--I mean, American Dream-Building Incentive. And there’s nothing wrong with filing what is rightfully yours. So this year, here’s a list of tax deductions and other regulations new for this year that you may have missed:
  • In addition to getting a tax credit for being born before 1947, they have expanded it to “I accumulate weeks worth of Parade Magazine in my bathroom,” “Back in my day the Hunger Games were called weekdays,” and “I own a Blackberry.”
  • That drawer you have of random Canadian coins and Chuck E. Cheese tokens? You can send that to the IRS, who will gladly accept it as payment of your taxes. 
  • There are several incentive credits you can claim this year: pledge to refrain from stating "First World Problems" or "In This Economy"; stop bitching about the price of gas when you gladly pony up five bucks for burnt coffee water every morning; and retiring that Angelfire page you set up when you were like twelve.
  • Relocation costs can be deducted for quarterbacks moving to and from Denver.
  • You may claim some energy-saving credits still on the books by throwing that Land’s End catalog right directly into the trash. Let’s face it, you’re not gonna order anything anyway.
  • You may amortize your gambling losses throughout the entire Stanley Cup playoffs.The Blues? Really?
  • That donation you made to the Gingrich campaign last week, at this point, can be considered a charitable donation.
  • If you were paid money by your coach to destroy the vertebrae of the opposing team, you may write this off as a business expense.
  • You must claim all those Monopoly bits from McDonald's cups as income, computable in the equivalent numbers of McNuggets. However, you can offset some of that income if you adopt a Grimace.
  • For Mormons, keep in mind that you can only deduct one spouse. Next year it might be different, if you know what we’re sayin’.
  • Betty Draper counts as two dependents.
  • You can request to get your refund on a gas card, which will get you around one full tank of gas AMIRIGHT OR AMIRIGHT?

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