Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Back And To The Left

Recently, a witness to the assassination of Robert Kennedy, Jr., claims that there was a second shooter. This is understandably big news, considering that it has long been assumed that Sirhan Sirhan was the only shooter in an assassination attempt that was held in a crowded room with cameras rolling. Such a claim seems implausible, but that is what makes absurd yet oddly possible claim exciting information.

Of course, conspiracy theorists always have a field day when new information such as this comes out—especially if that information was suppressed by the government or a large corporation or, ideally, a large corporation at the behest of a government agency. Not only does this validate the theorists’ beliefs—they ARE keeping information from us and there WAS a conspiracy!—but it also leads to speculation that other, less realistic theories could also be valid as well.
Thankfully, this new news has, in fact, caused a lot of people to come forward and confirm some long-standing assertions by conspiracy theorists:
  • At one point the Freemasons did, in fact, control most of the world’s governments and accumulated a sizable percentage of the entire global wealth, and used this to alter the course of history as we know it. Sadly, at this point, they exist mostly to get reduced-rate car and home insurance rates.
  • Princess Di didn’t die in a car wreck. Diana and Elton John had a child and her name is Lady Gaga. IT ALL MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
  • The ancient Bavarian Illuminati, far from being the source of overthrown governments and the co-option of major religions, is, in fact, a wildly misunderstood multi-level marketing business which brings all-natural organic skin creams and off-brand energy drinks to consumers.
  • There has been a long-lasting worldwide effort to infiltrate the water supply with mind-altering pharmaceuticals. Unfortunately, the only effect they can successfully cause with these chemicals is to get people to buy more purified bottled water.
  • Global warming is real, but it’s not man-made. The Sun is going through menopause, so it will pass. Just…don’t say anything, okay?
  • Ghosts and poltergeists are real. However, they are less interested in flipping your hall light on and off and knocking random items off of your shelf while you sleep and significantly more interested in watching you shower naked.
  • Nikolai Tesla had created far more wondrous inventions than has been recorded in the history books. The only thing that we’re sure of is that he was unable to perfect time travel, because if he had he would go back in time and knock Thomas Edison flat on his pasty white ass.
  • You’ve seen the Shriners riding those goofy carts around in parades? They’re not just being silly, they secretly control the entire global oil supply and are showcasing the future of transportation. Heed their actions!
  • Do you want to know The Secret? The Secret is that you just paid $39.95 for something you could learn observing human behavior for, like, three minutes.
  • Aliens do, in fact, exist, but all of the paranormal activities people witness are by design. Odd shapes in the sky, unexplainable phenomena that show up for no reason and with no explanation, and of course lots of lots of anal probes; this was all in preparation to prepare themselves for their one and only goal, which is to become customer service representatives for Comcast.
  • There really was only one gunman in Dallas: Jackie Kennedy. I mean, c’mon. Marilyn Monroe? Countless interns and sycophants? Three-quarters of New England? JFK was more ravaged by STDs and shame than Vietnam eventually became. The commies just made a perfect patsy for the wiles of a woman scorned.
  • The royal family in England does, in fact, operate as a drug-running operation. Because, seriously, what else are they doing?
  • The CIA and the National Security Agency do not, in fact, listen in on your phone calls or intercept your mail; they have neither the resources nor the inclination to do so. They will¸ however, hack into your Facebook account and awkwardly “like” six-month-old status updates made by your ex-girlfriend.
  • The Mafia has seen its cornered industries—alcohol, narcotics, gambling, Presidents—have all but been co-opted by street gangs, looser government regulations, and the Internet. At this point their only money-making enterprises are Chinese Laundromats and tampons.
  • The Church of Scientology is, in fact, not a corporation set up to generate revenues based on the theological fears of a wealthy and vulnerable subset of the population, but a legitimate social construct used to provide a metaphysical answer to the meaning of life and provide an accessible code of conduct for a moral lifestyle. Actually, on second thought, no—there are some things too crazy for even the conspiracy theorists.

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