Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Who Will Be Romney's VP? An Easy Reference Guide

There's been a lot of chatter that Romney may select his vice-presidential nominee this week. It seems a little early, of course, but no doubt this is in response to the horrible week he's currently having.

As in every election year, there will be plenty of armchair speculation as to who will get the #2 slot. And, of course, the stakes are higher, what with last election's choice being as close to an unmitigated disaster as you can get without involving electroshock therapy.

So as you hear the rampant predictions as to what the Romney camp is doing, here's a handy guide for who might be our next vice president. There are plenty of likely candidates that didn't make this list--most notably Rob Portman and Bob McDonnell--but they are boring and thus no chart entry is required.

Condoleeza Rice
Who? George W. Bush’s Other Woman that no one seems to want to acknowledge.
Selling Point: Mostly foreign affairs, since Romney’s international credentials involve mostly convincing the French to join a religion that involves marrying multiple women at the same time or finding some island willing to hide maintain a favorable return on his cash.
Drawbacks: She's never ran for elected office, so she hasn't perfected the art of creative vague yet plausible platitudes to assuage moderate voters. You know, lying.
Best Part: We will have a ticket where the first names are Mitt and Condoleeza, which is somehow even more absurd than having a president named Barack.

Michele Bachmann
Who? The crazy-eyed Tea Party favorite from Minnesota.
Selling Point: She has a vagina, which is a point that can be mentioned out loud in about 32 of our 50 states.
Drawbacks: She’s “married.”
Best Part: After she wins on election night, she will stand on stage with Mitt Romney and tear off her mask to reveal that she has been, as suspected all along, Sarah Palin.

Bobby Jindal
Who? Governor of whatever is left of Louisiana.
Selling Point: Has done a decent job of running a state that is more or less a collection of criminals, fishermen, and voodoo priestesses.
Drawbacks: I have heard better speeches from King George VI.
Best Part: Joe Biden is so totally going to think he works at 7-11.

Paul Ryan
Who? Some creeper from the redder parts of Wisconsin.
Selling Point: A budget hawk, he’s been an uncompromising advocate for rich white people, which thankfully overlaps with Romney’s core demographic. Also, he appears to have no soul, which in some battleground states is seen as a benefit.
Drawbacks: He really, really hates old people and puppy dogs, unless they are for dinner. FOR DINNER.
Best Part: When someone asks his opinion on foreign affairs, say, like, Afghanistan, his response will be to ask what its market price is at the moment.

Marco Rubio
Who? The notably Hispanic Senator from Florida.
Selling Point: There are 29 good reasons, compadre. Also, for the GOP, he’s the correct type of Hispanic.
Drawbacks: His background story has more holes than Dick Whitman Don Draper’s.
Best Part: At some point during the presidency, Romney is going to absent-mindedly ask him how the re-sodding of the White House lawn is coming along. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.

Rick Santorum
Who? The frothily popular Urban Dictionary entry from Pennsylvania
Selling Point: All of the people who chewed through Gingrich, Cain, Bachmann, and Perry and had to give up on Santorum were left with a bad….taste in their…mouth. Sorry.
Drawbacks: Romney’s strategy appears to including winning states outside of the South.
Best Part: Sweater-vests will be the new fist bump. That…that was a thing, right?

Tim Pawlenty
Who? The least crazy candidate to come out of Minnesota.
Selling Point: He looks like a character actor from the demonstration portion of a late night infomercial. Yeah, he’s boring and cheesy, but someone just spent $19.95 for an orange-colored sponge.
Drawbacks: People might confuse him with the Magister. Which I guess could also be a selling point.
Best Part: Two or possibly one word: T-PAW!

Chris Christie
Who? The enormously (ha!) popular governor of New Jersey or, as the rest of America sees it, Old Person Vegas.
Selling Point: He’s a ball-busting Republican governor from a reliably Democratic state.
Drawbacks: He’s pissed off an organization even more deadly and violent than the Mafia: the teachers' union.
Best Part: It is entirely possible that he can have people killed.

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