Mitt Romney: "I am thankful that even though I lost being the most powerful man in the world, I have several billion dollars with which I can wipe away my tears."
General Petraeus: "I am so very thankful that people care more about losing the Twinkie than me having an affair and potentially compromising the intelligence of America."
Donald Trump: "I am thankful that I do have the funding that allows me to be batshit crazy without remorse."
Plaxico Burress: "I am thankful that the Steelers organization is willing to give me a shot and also thankful that they not discharge me too soon."
Barack Obama: "I am very thankful for low-income Hispanics, residents of the Midwest and Northeast areas who live in cities of 500,000 or greater, and Single Women under the age of 30. Just sayin'."
Soundgarden: "We are so very thankful that apparently a bunch of 30 year olds still do drugs, still have piss-poor taste in music, and yet have enough disposable income to see us in concert."
Hillary Clinton: "I am thankful for this cease-fire and also that I told everyone I'm getting the hell out of Dodge before things gets much, much worse. Good luck, John Kerry!"
MC Hammer: "I am so very thankful that for some reason Americans crave awkward Korean pop music, even if just for a few weeks. LET ME HAVE THIS."
Chris Christie: "I am thankful that Old Navy is having a Black Friday sale on fleece."
Elmo: "ELMO JUST THANKFUL...JUST....THANKFUL THIS YEAR. PLEASE DON'T TURN THAT LIGHT OUT."