Monday, January 14, 2013

Do Not Pass Go (Go Directly To Jail)

Hasbro recently announced that they would be retiring one of the iconic game pieces in Monopoly and replacing it with something new. Both the culled piece and the new one is going to be voted on by the public. Monopoly is, of course, one of the flagships of American culture: capitalism, mass production, and competition all rolled into one reasonably accessible board game widely available nearly everywhere. So when a pretty big change like this happens, it catches people's attention (oh, and also happens to sell more games).

Anyway, the "replacement" tokens are pretty lame: toy robot, cat, ring, guitar, and helicopter. So as a public service I figured it would be a good idea to present my own ideas of Monopoly game tokens that better represent the American ideal.

A Big Sack Of Money: Which you can then spend the next three hours trying to not pay taxes on.

Mortgage Banker: Best part: never goes to Jail!

A Successful Sitcom on ABC: Ha! Just kidding! There aren't any of those.

A Donkey: Sadly, the token will spend most of the game taking money from the winning players and giving it to the poorer players so the game never ends and eventually collapses.

An Elephant: Sadly, the token never moves forward.

A Vial of Blood From FoxConn Workers: Or an iPhone. Same difference.


A Social Security Check: Which, once introduced, will never be voted away.

Miniature Copy of Atlas Shrugged: and by "miniature" I mean "less than 1600 pages long."

A Binder Full of Women

Yuan Token: If the game is in any way realistic, the game is over when all of the properties are owned by China.

Rubber Glove: Nothing says "liberty" like a latex glove covering a finger that's going up your pooper to make sure you're not too Al-Queda to board an airplane

A Picture Of A Cat On The Internet.

Trillion Dollar Platinum Coin: You feel really, really rich while you are playing, but once the game is over it turns out you lost.

[EDIT] Note to archivists: It's now June 2013, and I realized that I actually have two posts called "Go Directly To Jail," probably because I am lazy. I've thus slightly updated the title but kept the old title in just to display to everyone exactly how much of an uncreative idiot I am.

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