Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Year Of The Symbolic Yet Relatable Animal

It turns out this past weekend was the Year of the Snake over in China. I realize that it's a huge traditional celebration over there, but, for me, trying to decipher exactly what year it is and what sort of animal it's supposed to be just confuses me. For me it is much like Mah Jong. I guess it makes sense because there is east and north and wind and flower and earth and I can't believe you guys made paper and fireworks but can't make a simple game without making it look like Home Ec and Algebra fused together and vomited out a deceptively unfun game. 

Anyway, the snake is supposed to be intelligent yet unscrupulous, kind of like a supervillain or Apple. It is also the year of the "water" snake, which is typically considered the "low" point of whatever it is we are looking at, akin to death or hiding. It is (of course!) also associated with the moon, which makes as much sense as one would think. So if you are going to travel to China any time soon, make sure you look out for hidden moonsnakes.

Still, i think it's time to revamp the whole "Year of the Blank" system. Sure, we're uprooting centuries of valid Chinese culture, but capitalism and FoxConn have done a lot worse to it in the last five years.

My proposals:

Year of the Twinkie: Represented by something golden and wonderful that was taken from us too soon, just to have it rise from the ashes of bankruptcy like a delicious cream-filled Phoenix and save us from ourselves in the nick of time.

Year of the Drone: Represented by a nameless, faceless object that will do all of your unenviable dirty work, and if things go horribly, murderously wrong you can show everyone how pure and white your hands are.

Year of the Catfish: Represented by a love interest that, for some inexpiable reason, you ignore all the warning signs and...you know what, We're just gonna tell you now. It's really a dude. . It's not a girl, it's a dude. He's not calling you on the phone for a reason.

Year of the Raven: Represented by a purple raven with a look of abject emptiness in his eyes, where you can murder people with impunity and still get rewarded with a fairy-tale ending to your career. Allegedly.


Year of the Downton: Represented by a year that will take so long to go anywhere while everyone glances at each other giving knowing looks and yet still people go crazy over it because nothing happens for soooo looooooooong and yet everyone pretends the payoff is worth it and it is not.

Year of the Gaga: Represented by about two years ago.

Year of the Nuke: Represented by the fiery hot suns of a thousand galaxies that the Fearless Leader as created himself, right after his afternoon golf game. If Kim Jong Un has his way, anyway. You guys were all hot to get into North Korea in 1950, so what's stopping you now?

Year of the Reality Television Cooking Program: Represented by the inevitable show that will take Chinese delicacies, like rhino horn and tiger testicles, and cook up a meal good enough for a thousand housewives' Pinterest pages.

Year of the iPhone: which is still functionally identical to the previous iPhone and yet people will pay a month's wages one for it anyway. No wonder everyone hates us.

Year of the Honey Boo Boo: Represented by the drive to make a series of very bad decisions your entire life and still somehow earn  immense amounts of money and fame as a result.

Year of the Yuan: Let's just cut to the chase here: make money and be happy. And if you can invent paper and fireworks in the process, all the better.

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