Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Be Your Own Superhero!

So, Superman: Man of Steel came out this past weekend, and, just like every other summer for the past twenty years, everyone is going nuts over superheros. And, just like every other summer, everyone walks around wishing they could quit their job to be Batman or Wonder Woman or Aquaman. So, why not? Below, I've given my readers the ability to create their own persona for a superhero. Simply choose one item from each list, and when you are done you have your own identity to go fight your own brand of extralegal justice! 

Also, I was totally kidding about Aquaman. No one wants to be him.

  • Bit by a radioactive animal of some sort
  • Born on a radioactive planet and abandoned on Earth
  • Injected with radioactive serum by a future villain
  • Could not escape a chamber being flooded with radiation
  • Ate some bad seafood

Secret Identity
  • Ace reporter that somehow doesn’t get fired despite an 80% absentee rate
  • Mild-mannered milquetoast pencil-pusher who can rip the heart out of a lion-man-beast on a weekday afternoon yet still can’t ask that broad out for a cup of coffee
  • Self-made rich guy who is somehow 1) old enough to make shittons of money yet 2) young enough to jump from buildings and kill thugs with his bare hands and 3) didn't invent Facebook
  • Former ninja who faked their own death and now lives in a gross cave or a Tibetan monastery
  • A hardened cop who, after he’s done with his shift, engages in completely constitutional vigilante justice and shoves a slim rubber mask over his eyes so IA doesn’t have a clue

  • A fusion-powered suit that apparently makes you a roidhead
  • Incredibly unlikely use of a largely mundane object, like a lantern or a bracelet, that held relevance maybe six centuries ago
  • +2 Sword of Amazingness
  • A fanny pack full of sweet devices that let you do all sorts of cool stuff. And, no, it’s not a utility belt or a satchel, it’s a fanny pack.
  • An ancient staff that is somehow more effective at killing people than a machine gun.

  • Anthropomorphic version of a nocturnal animal
  • Standard heroic costume that exudes that right balance of power, confidence, and not-being-a-perverted-weirdo-in-tights vibe
  • One of the few Nordic gods that haven’t been culturally plundered yet
  • Half-breed between a human and some fantasy creature, the origins of which we do not care to think about
  • Asian dude who is really just a white dude.

Special Power
  • The ability to advance the cause of civil rights or gender inequality or some shit like that
  • Ability to fight the Japs and somehow not come off as a racist eighty years later
  • Ability to cause massive amounts of property damage in pursuit of justice yet somehow be immune from liability or insurance claims
  • Ability to paper over major plot holes by claiming it’s “alien technology” or “genetic mutation” or some other intellectually-insulting dues ex machina
  • Ability to be in denial about the fact that you’re pretty much a furry

  • A completely functional jumpsuit that also somehow cause bullets to only hit shoulders
  • A costume with your logo plastered on the chest, as if the guy wearing bright red spandex standing on top of a skyscraper punching a man-octopus with lasers for eyes wasn’t a dead giveaway
  • Some sort of historically accurate outfit, despite the fact that an entire city of public servants, citizens, and villains are really not going to take you seriously when you are dressed like a freaking Viking
  • Ability to look fabulous in a cape
  • Ability to somehow leap and do gymnastics with DD’s in a latex suit that barely covers the areola.

  • Someone dressed up like a creepy animal that vaguely compliments the creepy animal you yourself have chosen to dress up as
  • Token Black Dude
  • Friend who doesn’t really do much except not tell everyone the blatantly obvious fact that you are a superhero
  • Some chick you are totally not banging on the side
  • A miniature version of yourself, you narcissistic bastard

Fatal Flaw
  • An obscure element with a vaguely recognizable name that somehow can be found in the general population with alarming frequency
  • Reluctance to pay FICA taxes
  • An unfortunate attachment to an easily capturable civilian
  • Some sort of "moral code" that prevent you from "killing people." Ppft.
  • Nutella donuts
  • A dirty, filthy, crime-ridden city that is definitely not New York City
  • A dystopian future involving a lot less streetlamps where the cops apparently just stop trying and they chew through DAs like antacids.
  • An alternate history where the Nazis won World War II or Rome never fell or whatever fantasies history majors come up with while waiting for the next Starbucks order
  • Downtown Detroit. AMIRITE OR AMIRITE FELLAS?
  • A planet just like Earth, only apes. OR MAYBE IT IS EARTH. (Hint: I don’t know, I fell asleep.)
  • A criminally insane person who somehow still manages to come up with a pun for a name
  • A rogue scientist that somehow acquires enough nefarious equipment valued at approximately the GDP of Japan even though leaving their lair would cause them to be arrested immediately
  • Somebody that you had a slight, tangential role in causing their downfall two decades earlier and somehow you're supposed to remember. Dude, I can't remember I was supposed to pick up juice.
  • For some reason, a clown. Because apparently that’s a thing. Why not?
  • You, only evil. And yet remarkably similar. Oh, right. Spoiler alert.

1 comment: