Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Perfect Dog


This is a new age that we live in. We have every bit of information from every era of history easily accessible from a small electronic box in our pocket. We have reached the stars and came back. We have found and subsequently cured a whole host of diseases. And we've decided that the next logical step is to start cloning household pets.

There is a company in (surprise!) South Korea that wants to clone our canine friends. Good, clean, perfect dogs, of course, since dogs are notoriously hardy when it comes to genetics. (I also can't possibly imagine why South Korea would have a need to clone dogs, but I digress.) But the practice has gotten a fair bit of news, especially since the company offering this service has launched a contest: they're looking for the UK's Worthiest Dog, something that turned into a bit of a diplomatic faux pas since the Koreans apparently forgot that the UK already has such a contest called the royal family.

Still, it's useful to think about exactly what traits would be useful in the perfect pet. They should have the ability to:
  • bark only when there is something to bark at, and not some imaginary spot in the middle of the floor
  • not take treats and hide them in blankets so six months later there isn't an unfortunate surprise.
  • willfully know that rolling around in the mud and then yelping like you're on fire when you get a bath is not cool.
  • tell the difference between dinner and poop. I'm looking at you, Chloe.
  • finish licking a spot when it is clear that every single conceivable molecule of food has been consumed. Especially on my pants.
  • not act like total spazbuckets when someone comes to the door. Especially the mailman who comes to the door nearly every single day.
  • not eat that thing that is clearly not designed to be a piece of food and can't even fit in your mouth.
  • use that supposedly awesome snoot to help me FIND THAT EFFING REMOTE ALREADY THE GAME STARTED TEN MINUTES AGO
  • have their ears flop around in a manner that does not make them look like hobos.
  • spend less than an hour and a half sniffing every single inch of back yard, then bark two minutes after I crawl into bed to go out.
In case you are wondering, the sticker price of cloning a dog kicks in at about a hundred grand. Since I already got two perfect dogs for a fraction of that price, I think I made out pretty well.

1 comment:

  1. I love Chloe - she is just so cute (from your wife's blogs I feel I know your dogs personally!) - can you have her cloned for me? No offense to Dexter - he's cool too!

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