Tuesday, August 27, 2013


It has been a yearly tradition for America to be shocked by MTV's Video Music Awards. Every broadcast brings yet one more degrading act, dressed up as teenage rebellion while claiming no culpability in the degradation of Western civilization.

Popular music has always been the weather vane of cultural decline, and every generation thinks their own horrible music is just as bad as it has been in previous generations, and yet the next generation's music somehow becomes objectively bad. The very first VMAs way back in 1984 were already a shitshow; while Madonna's writhing bride routine is tame by today's standards, it's still pretty tasteless.

However, what good does it do to complain? To be honest, it is a little tiring. The cycle will continue as it always has, with the young generation represented by MTV shouting "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO" and then grow up ten years later making the sadly belated realization that there are, in fact, consequences to their actions. Before I get all old man cranky on you, I do believe that pushing boundaries is one of the few ways to spark creative innovation; that doesn't mean that the vast majority of said culture isn't libertine garbage.

Still, every year MTV looks pushes things further and further, so in the next few years we should see some pretty wonderful slash awful shocking moments. Here are my predictions:
  • Nicki Minaj comes out as a Smurf.
  • The Jonas Brothers, finally reaching the rebellious phase of their music career, declare they are only leaving 15% tip for adequate service and reserving higher tip amounts only for superior service.
  • Selena Gomez finally turns 13.
  • During a presentation, Billy Ray Cyrus tells the crowd that he'll cut out the middleman and offers everyone in the audience the chance to have sex with her daughter for cash.
  • Two hip hop artists that most white people have never heard of will reference a feud that most white people don't care about.
  • Justin Timberlake literally melts a middle-aged stay-at-home-mom's heart on stage. He will go to jail despite the fact that about 10% of the nominees have actually killed someone without doing any time.
  • Daft Punk will do something--anything--that makes any sort of sense.
  • In an announcement outside Radio City Music Hall, Macklemore declares that he will work for food.
  • Halfway through a performance for Madonna, a stage speaker falls over creating a small gust of wind that finally reduces her to a pile of pasty dust. Lady Gaga then immediately takes her place and no one is the wiser.
  • Katy Perry forgets to wear any clothes for her performance. Sorry, "forgets."
  • One Direction announces that they are splitting up, creating three bands called Two Direction, Three Direction, Four Direction, and Five Direction.
  • Chris Brown will proudly show his newly-earned GED. Na, just kidding. It's shocking because he manages to go three hours without being a complete douchebucket.
  • Adele fanks a lot of people in her acceptance speech.
  • John Mayar manages to go through the entire ceremony without having sex with everyone's wife.
  • Beyonce and Kanye announce they are going to have another child. They then declare that their child will be named by pulling random letters out of a Scrabble bag and then letting Twitter decide. The child ends up. sad and alone but, not surprisingly, rich.

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