Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween Attractions for 2013

It's Halloween! Yay! Now is the time when grown men and women walk around dressed like bumblebees or sexy bumblebees or Walter White or Paula Deen in blackface or whatever is trendy this year and no one bats an eye. In fact, this is the sort of artificially-created holiday that lets normally serious people let off a little creative steam by getting sugared up and dressing like sluts.

One of the better ways to spend the spooky day tomorrow is by visiting a haunted house. "Haunts" are big business anymore, and are no longer restricted to houses--there's haunted cornfields, haunted swamps, haunted amusement parks, haunted Social Security Administration buildings*, and so on.

Well, me, being ever the entrepreneur, will gladly provide--free of charge for my readership!--a list of proposals for various rooms and attractions at the next big haunted house. So go put on your licensed superhero costume, put some boo juice in your red Solo cup, and go scare the shit out of some people!
  • Upon entering the haunt, you will be assigned to a group that must stay together the entire time. In this group, one will be a vegan, one will be a college-aged atheist, one will be a libertarian, and one will sell crafts on Etsy. You will know who is who within thirty seconds. 
  • Lead a bunch of people into a room. Then lock the door. They can't leave until they each eat an entire bag of spiced candy corn. The only thing they can drink? Diet Fresca.
  • There will be a room full of mirrors, but instead of reflections the mirrors will publicly display what you've been watching on Netflix. Yup, even The Bad Girls Club and My Super Sweet 16.
  • Get strapped down, Clockwork Orange-style, in front of a live feed of tweets from Luke Ravenstahl where he tries to convince you of all his accomplishments as mayor of Pittsburgh.
  • Have a pitch-black room devoid of all sensory input except for car dealership radio commercials played on an endless loop.
  • You have to watch a set of grandparents try and buy health care off of healthcare.gov and you're not allowed to help them. You just have to watch.
  • In order to move into the next room, you have to read the most recent Facebook statuses of all your high school friends that you no longer actually talk to. Out loud and without wincing or defriending.
  • You enter a room with three people. One really, really likes Firefly. One really, really likes Homestuck. One really, really likes Naruto. That is all.
  • You are blindfolded. You are going to be fed a Primanti's sandwich...or maybe an Eat 'N' Park sandwich pretending to be a Primanti's sandwich.
  • You must stand next to your childhood pastor and watch the Miley Cyrus performance on the VMAs on a loop.
  • Remember that time when you were in ninth grade and you asked that girl out and she said no and someone overheard and told the whole school and then she made fun of you the next day in front of all your friends the day you had gym and forgot the combination to your locker and there was that quiz you forgot about and failed and the teacher gave you a disapproving look right before you found out you didn't make the soccer team and you've been trying since college to create better memories to flush out the cripplingly embarrassing ones like that one? The haunted house remembers, and is going to gleefully remind you all night tonight.
  • Enter a corn maze where the only way to get out is to ask directions from a guy whose iPhone has "almost found, any second now" his GPS coordinates and insists that that be the only way to get everyone out of the maze.
  • The hallways are lined with pumpkins carved out to look like John Boehner, which is surprisingly easy to do.
  • Stand around in a group with people wearing costumes that were at best mildly funny a few years ago, like the Octomom, Miss South Carolina, or Susan Boyle, and you have to pretend it's the most hilarious thing you've ever seen.
  • Get locked in a room where you can't leave until you drink a jug of Gatorade and then brush your teeth. Or the reverse; it's your funeral.
Have fun sleeping tonight!

*No, wait, that's every day.

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