It is only a few weeks away from Halloween, and it's never too early to start planning for your sweet Halloween costume. Here are just a few ideas if you can't think of what to wear:
Miley Cyrus: All you need is a wrecking ball, a creepy bear costume, and some salvia. Not required: dignity.
Zombie from Walking Dead: If you can’t find an adequate zombie costume, a dead, beaten horse works just as well.
The Network TV Fall Schedule: Just recycle what you wore last year.*
Walter White: Shave your head and just walk around spoiling the last episode of Breaking Bad for everyone. That’s truly scary.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie: Have a track suit? Like to eat horrible food? Want to punch Rand Paul in the throat? We have the perfect costume for you!
Andy Rooney: Just get some felt strips for eyebrows and walk around talking about how you need a knife to open the package the knife comes in and what’s up with the Sears catalog? WAIT IT’S NOT TOO SOON TO MAKE FUN OF ANDY ROONEY, RIGHT?
Grand Theft Auto V: Walk around demonstrating the inherent virtues of freedom of speech and taking a stand against the overzealous moral guardians patrolling the cultural landscape by randomly beating people to death for money.
The NSA: Walk around telling people you know what they look like before they wore their costume. This is intended to be as creepy as it sounds.
Google Glass: Walk around telling people you know what they look like before they wore their costume. This is intended to be as creepy as it sounds.
Grumpy Cat: Actually, don’t. Please, don’t.
Obscure Character From That Cartoon You Are Too Old To Be Watching: Yes, I vaguely recognize you from Adventure Time or possibly The Normal Show. Just let me eat this Chex Mix without you going all meta on me, OK?
Whatever Is Marked Down In The Leftover Bin At Spirit of Halloween: Sexy Bike Messenger with pink mascara and lime-green highlights, anyone?
The Pittsburgh Pirates: Have the best damn costume you’ve ever worn in the last twenty years, then leave right before the party gets good.
Brooding Vampire: Are we done with this Twilight nonsense yet? No? Then do this, ‘cause it will probably get you laid.
Italian Cruise Ship Operator: Just crash a party and refuse to take any responsibility for your actions.
Siri: Dress plainly and simply, using your vast database of random information delivered with a rewarding level of pretentious superiority, smugly satisfied with the that that while they all hate you, they also can’t live without you.
*Just like I do with this post every year.