Tuesday, November 26, 2013


So I had a brilliant idea about how someone (i.e., me) can 1) make money; 2) serve the public good, and 3) commit legal arson.

We are about to hit Peak Snowmageddon Season (in other words, October through July) where even the threat of one inch of snow will have riots at the milk coolers at the local Shop 'N' Save. Which makes no sense to me. I always here these stories about towns like Savannah or Lexington effectively shutting down when there's half an inch of crusty snow on the ground. And while us northerners think that's cute, it sort of makes sense; they couldn't win a Civil War*, let alone drive in a wintery mix. But for us people in places like Pittsburgh, well...it's old hat. You should be able to get to Sheetz and back for a pulled pork burrito when there's two inches on the ground without freaking out.

Anyway, our old standard road-clearing methods, while they get the job done, are very inefficient and expensive. It's a bit of a chore to pay a bunch of guys time and a half to plow, salt, ash, sand, and otherwise anti-winter the roads so people can get to the Elks for the roast beef brunch. It's about time someone came up with a viable alternative, and that someone is me.

I just sat down and thought of a few questions, all of which had obvious answers.
  • What is snow's moral enemy? Fire.
  • Who likes to burn things? Everybody
  • Will people be willing to do fun things for free? Absolutely
  • What is the most efficient way of spreading fire very quickly over a large area? A Big MF Flamethrower
So my idea is simple: with the modest investment of a few after-market Soviet-era flamethrowers, we get volunteers (I suspect teenagers, college kids, and veterans, but everyone is welcome) to strap them on. They then walk about the city melting the snow into steam and water, letting it stream down the gutters like a sad waterfall. Problem solved! We melt the snow, make the roads safe, and make the winter wish it had never snowed in our time. It will have nightmares. I want to ensure that Old Man Winter and Jack Frost have flashbacks to our time.

Sure, there are some ongoing costs: flamethrower fuel isn't cheap, and once my plan is adopted in cities across the nation the demand will be sure to pick up. (My other million dollar idea, turning meth labs into fuel distilleries, is still being worked on.) Plus I can see how this can be impractical on the highways, which is why I'm OK with developing a sort of big ass Flamethrower Truck, that blasts flames from its undercarriage but otherwise do the same thing. (Think of it as sort of reverse Zamboni.) But the savings in salt and manpower alone make this a win-win for everyone. Except the snow, which, let's face it, had it coming.

Don't say I don't care about this community. Although I would like my million dollars. 

*Yeah, I'm still crowin' about that. U.S.A.!

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