Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Yellow Brick Road Less Traveled

The Wizard of Oz is rightfully considered to be a classic. It's a very effective morality tale about believing in yourself or following your dreams or the French Revolution or the gold standard or some such thing. I don't remember; it's been a while.

But maybe it's time to update this literary classic with some fresh eyes. The only lions people see are the drugged-up husks of cats caged up at the local zoo. Tin men are known more as lame Richard Dreyfuss comedies and not for chopping down forests. And I don't think anyone has seen, or needed, a scarecrow since the Great Depression unless crows have suddenly descended on the fortieth-floor laboratories at Monsanto.

So who would be the newest companions of Dorothy's? Here are some pretty good candidates and what they don't have but desperately seek:

  • The Bro, who is looking for their Axe Body Spray 
  • The Geek, who is seeking the Legendary Four-Hour Version Of David Lynch's Dune
  • The Cleveland Brown, who is searching for a Quarterback 
  • The Miley Cyrus, trying to find her Dignity
  • The Winter Pittsburgher, looking for Bread and Milk
  • The Hipster, who is looking for his Sense of Self-Awareness
  • The D-List Celebrity, who is in the hunt for A Basic Cable Reality TV Show 
  • The Older Version of Judy Garland looking for That Bottle of Pills She Hid From Herself
  • The Occupy Wall Streeter, who is trying to find the Irony Of Using An iPad To Protest The Rich
  • The Kat Dennings, who is trying to find an Appropriate Vehicle That Doesn't Obliterate Her Soul
  • The Liza Minelli on a quest to Lose Her Mother's Shadow
  • The Lukewarm Scorsese Fan, who is looking for This Damn Movie To Be Over Already 
  • The Chris Christie, who is seeking his Chances of Winning the Nomination
  • The Blog Reader, trying to find Something Actually Funny On This Post

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