Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Seven Wonders

Tonight is the last episode of the current season of American Horror Story. This season's narrative arc, The Coven, follows the lives of a group of witches in modern-day Louisiana. (I almost said it follows the "trials and tribulations" but that might hit a little bit too close to home.)

Now, I don't have any particular interest in witches or witchcraft; the whole thing mostly falls outside of my interests. However, I *do* have an interest in watching attractive women strut around on basic cable after 10pm, so here we are.

Anyway, on tonight's show, the current Supreme (which, depending on your viewpoint, is either the Witch Prime Minister or Witch Fascist Dictator) has "died" (it's American Horror Story, so who knows?) and the current coven of witches have to compete and go through the "Seven Wonders" to see who the next Supreme is.

The Seven Wonders involve: setting shit on fire (pyrokinesis), moving random stuff around (telekinesis), figuring out tomorrow's lottery numbers (clairvoyance), getting that one girl to take her bra off (mind control), skipping rush hour (teleportation), vital vitalis (I don't know what this means but it sounds Latin and scary) and descensum (I don't know what this is either but I bet it has to do with going to Wal Mart at 8pm on a Saturday).

Now, that all sounds so VERY BORING. It's the sort of thing Hermione does in her sleep and Samatha does to land Darrin's account at the firm. So here's a list of my own personal Seven Wonders I would expect to complete:

  • Mnemonics: Walk downstairs and successfully remember why I walked down there in the first place
  • Diplomacy: Successfully discuss immigration reform and the health care act with your elderly neighbor for ten minutes without either of you swearing or using any racial slurs
  • Gratitude: Watch cable news without immediately wishing I was doing absolutely anything else in the world
  • Audacity: Find a small child and tell them that all the Disney princesses died and it's directly their fault because they wouldn't clean their room last week. Walk away smiling.
  • Culinary Appreciation: Eat an entire plate of cajun dry rub chicken wings and not feel like a street criminal afterwards
  • Self-Control: Go through an entire Steam Sale or board game closeout without buying anything. No, seriously.
  • Hyperbolic Tolerance: Read Atlas Shrugged. I mean, isn't that enough?

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