Sunday, May 4, 2014

May The Fourth: Rumors For The New Star Wars Movie

The cast list of Star Wars: Episode 7 came out recently. It's bringing back a lot of the old faces (Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher's coke fingernail, unnecessary CGI) and bringing in a lot of new ones. Of course, the high-profile nature of the film makes rumors and speculation particularly frequent. Such as:
  • Mark Hamill was announced as a definite casting choice after being able to swap shifts with Sandy M. at Staples. 
  • Due to new ASPCA regulations, only properly trained Wookies are allowed on set.
  • The Force is going to be retconned (again) to mean that awkward feeling you get when you see someone and wave to them but it's not who you thought it was so you pretend like you were fixing your hair but they totally know. (I mean, seriously, microorganisms? It's like you're deliberately pissing on Yoda's grave.) 
  • To meet the demands of the modern moviegoer, the motto of the studio is: Less Muppets, More Accidental Incest
  • A new style of Force will somehow manage to drag the corpse of Darth Vader out of the ground and milk him for three more movies.
  • Ewan McGregor is recast in his previous role as Obi-Wan Kenobi, only they have frozen him in carbonite to increase his acting range.
  • John Williams has been cast as The Guy Who Is Going To Make A Ton Of Money Rearranging The Same Shit He's Been Writing For Thirty Years
  • In an effort to maximize profits, there's product placement by Subway and the title of the movie is renamed "Screw It, The Deus Ex Machina is played by Jennifer Lawrence."
  • C3PO finally comes out. R2D2 gets a software upgrade and now supports iTunes (thought not Flash). 
  • Since kids don't play with action toys as much as they did in 1977, Hasbro is simple releasing an app for the phone that involves microtransactions and a monthly fee. 
  • The Force Ghost of Jim Henson comes back to collect a huge royalty check
  • Lando comes back to lay the pipe in Queen Amidala. Unrealted: \J,J, Abrams announces they are using fan fic to help with the scripts.
  • Major spoilers from the script are revealed when it turns out a small band of rough but idealistic interlopers somehow manage to topple a huge, multifaceted enemy force by having one person who happens to be the protagonist use a minor fatal flaw to destroy the artificially constructed plot device. 

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