Monday, August 25, 2014

Back In The Classroom: Some Helpful Tips

It's almost time for school to start--and for some ridiculous reason, has already started for some districts--and that means there are millions of students entering a new grade, encountering new experiences, and making it possible to go shopping during the midday without feeling like a scene out of World War Z.

It's an exciting time for a lot of reasons, but with the new experiences comes a lot of trepidation--whether it be in grade school, a high school class, or a college course. So here are some helpful hints to help you navigate your way through your educational journey!
  • Just like prison, you need to establish your reputation immediately. In your very first class, find a cafeteria tray and pound the instructor in the face repeatedly, then urinate on their prone body. Teabagging optional but preferred. After that, no one will mess with you.
  • Get all your supplies ready! You need the basics like notebooks, folders, and pencils, but also things like the phone number for the family lawyer and name-brand Ritalin.
  • Cell phone management is a must! Since you often can't use phones in class, you'll have to find new and inventive ways to secretly play with SnapChat or message that cute girl during class, which are both much more important than learning about the agricultural revolution. The best way to do so is to repeatedly and deliberately get caught looking at your crotch in frustration or adoration without your cell phone, creating enough false alarms that no one will bother you after a while and you can text to your heart's content.
  • Make sure you eat right. Build up a tolerance of sugars and saturated fats by eating garbage all year long, so when the end of the year rolls around and all the procrastinated projects are due, your body won't feel so horrible when you start eating Zingers by the boxful and drinking Code Red Mountain Dew to pull an all-nighter.
  • Make friends! It's easy to get caught up in academics, but not only is socialization part of the educational process, you need to establish a good friendship with someone who is willing to take notes when you inevitably skip class after a wicked hangover at a party that you deliberately failed to invite them to so they could take notes for you.
  • Establish a rapport with your teacher. For grade school kids, the traditional apple always works; for high school, talking casually about the football team or solving the world's problems; and in college it's hooking the professor up with a good and reliable dealer that won't narc on them for grades.
  • Don't exclude social activities. Study is important, but so is playing sports, being creative, and doing something to get you out of your parents' house so they can have some damn peace and quiet for once in their lives.
  • Learn good study habits. You can get away with rote memorization in grade school, but once you hit high school you have to use your study skills wisely--time management and selective subject focus being two main ones. Once in college, you must be able to concentrate when your roommate is trying to learn Wonderwall on his shitty acoustic guitar while microwaving a burrito that was sired by (apparently) dead skunks.
  • Double-check your schedule. Nothing is more embarrassing than sitting in Advanced Calculus and thinking you're in Home Economics, fork and knife in hand. (The lack of sinks and the multitude of differential equations on the chalkboard might be your first clue.)
  • If you are in high school, keep up with the latest fashions. You don't want to be That Guy, wearing last year's wardrobe. That's a one-way ticket to becoming a pariah. In elementary school, it doesn't matter because everyone is wearing something that's easy to get juice stains out of, which I primarily assume is a lot of red Teflon. In college, you could literally wear a hollowed-out chest of drawers with a boar's head overcoat and no one would bat an eye.
  • Keep yourself motivated! It can often be difficult to stay positive; education involves a lot of stress, projects, and a constant portent of abject failure. Everyone has different methods to keep their spirits up; some people enjoy posters involving cats hanging from tree branches, or perhaps Ziggy dispensing some sage life advice. Some people like to listen to uplifting music, or perhaps an insightful podcast. Other people like vodka.
  • Always be thinking about your future. For elementary kids, the pressure's off; the only thing you have to plan for your future is to not end up in an assembly immediately after you pissed your pants, which is presumably (but sadly not always) a low bar to aim for. High school kids, on the other hand, should make sure they figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives in between dealing with acne and watching superhero movies. In college, make sure you have internships or contacts lined up so when you graduation, the fight for millions of other people who now have the exact same qualifications as you and are trying to get jobs all at the same time will be slightly more in your favor. Good luck!


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