Friday, January 30, 2015

What To Expect For Super Bowl XLIX

The much-awaited game between the New England Patriots and Some West Coast Team is ready to go this weekend, to much heraldment and poppistry*. There's going to be a lot of non-football fans watching the game, so now might be a good time to take a look at what one can expect this Sunday:

  • Bill Belichik might show up in a suit, what with this being the single most-watched program in the entire world, but he probably will show up dressed like he just woke up in a dumpster and stumbled to the field just in time for kickoff.
  • For the first time, NBC is streaming the Super Bowl live this year on the internet, which is good news for people who like to see the exact same ad for Geico 200 times in a five-hour period right next to a banner trying to sell you shady car insurance via a dancing cactus
  • For the first time ever, millions of girls under 10 are going to be really, really excited to watch the Super Bowl right up until the point when Idina Menzel finishes the national anthem and then they go to bed.
  • This Super Bowl will be played at the University of Phoenix Stadium, where tickets are selling at $6,500, which coincidentally is also the cost of one credit's worth of unaccredited online classes for medical transcription. 
  • Katy Perry is slated as the halftime entertainment. No less than Lenny Kravitz will be brought on as a guest singer. Audiences will certainly be disappointed if the halftime show doesn't somehow involve pot, Elmo, or fireworks shooting out of Katy Perry's boobs.
  • The Seahawks are making their second straight Super Bowl appearance. This is now the third longest-lasting thing in Seattle, right behind the rain and keeping up the pretense that if Kurt Cobain were still alive he wouldn't be a judge on The Voice
  • There's a pretty good chance that Aaron Rodgers will still show up and play a few downs just for the hell of it.
  • The game starts late and it's a work night, so lots of fans might end their night early. This might also include LeGarrette Blount.
  • Richard Sherman will precede the broadcast with an in-depth discussion contrasting the unique worldviews of Immanuel Kant and Georg Hegel, providing a refreshing perspective that viewers can use to rethink their role in their communities.
  • Whatever commercial you currently find annoying--I bet it involves car insurance!--there will be an ever more annoying version of it on Sunday.
  • This will mark the 49th year in a row where the world is reminded that the best way to honor our veterans who have fought and died for our country is to buy watered-down beer and pickup trucks.
  • Viewers will be treated to no less than six dozen interruptions during the game for the announcers to mentions the PSI of the footballs at that exact moment.
  • No matter what the final score of the game is, the real winners are the guys who are going to earn overtime cleaning up murder scenes in Las Vegas.

*I don't think either of those are words, but they should be.

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