Friday, April 3, 2015

Mad Men Predictions

This Sunday starts the final season of Mad Men, the critically-acclaimed drama that looks at the advertising industry in the 1960s, following the requisite changes in morals, politics, and sideburns.

The show is well-known for its sharp writing and thoughtful, cryptic symbolism, leading many to speculate on how the series will end. Nearly all of the theories center around the fate of Don Draper and whether he lives or dies or if his secrets are revealed or if he just turned into an old, jaded man. Well, jadier.

But what will happen? Here are a few predictions:

  • Don Draper, tired of his reckless drinking, meaningless sex, and barely-concealed disgust at his coworkers, decides to straighten up his act by only drinking after noon and only having six girls on the side.
  • Peggy has a successful string of successes, landing nine of the top ten corporations in America and locks each of them into at least a four-year commitment. For her efforts, she is given a forty dollar raise and a new desk.
  • Lou dies and nobody cares.
  • Ironically, though, Stan takes up Scout's Honor in his memory and it becomes a lucrative Sunday comic strip. He spends the rest of his life worried someone will find out he stole it, until he realizes that no one cares because it's Lou.
  • Megan wins the Kentucky Derby.
  • For some strange reason, Bob Benson decides he doesn't want to visit a client in Indiana.
  • Sally gets drafted and moves to Canada, where she becomes an astronomer-lifeguard.
  • Pete eats a Snickers Bar and subsequently breaks down in tears telling a story about his childhood and when he was ostracized for only being immensely rich and not incredibly rich. Mars is not impressed.
  • Roger, high on mescalin and crystal THC, votes for Humphrey sixteen times. In 1970.
  • 9 Bobbys in 7 episodes!
  • In a moment of weakness for both of them, Don and Joan have sex and everybody in a five mile radius has their head explode and perfect babies fly everywhere and I think a new religion gets started and Roger finds a way to put it all in a pill and becomes fantastically wealthy. 
  • Roger's daughter ends up joining the cast of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, where she is fired after being impregnated by a clearly intoxicated Ruth Buzzi. Roger disowns her, since, in his words, "She didn't even have the class to get knocked up on the set of The Smothers Brothers."
  • In an angry letter found after his death, Lou is outraged that he doesn't get to do an elaborate song-and-dance routine after he dies, because that's the sort of stupid shit that Lou does.
  • Betty's fluency in Italian turns out to be a pivotal skill in acquiring a new client for the firm. LOL just kidding, she's still a useless cold heartless shrew. 
  • Paul Kinsey moves to Jonestown. Everybody sees this as a positive move.
  • In a dramatic twist, Harry finally reveals that he has been stealing Pete's hair and attaching it to his sideburns. Strangely, Pete is OK with this.
  • Glen does a bunch of weird shit.
  • Peggy is traumatized as various bits of Ginsburg are sent to her in a package every week from the institution, from toes and earlobes to small squares of tongue. When she complains they threaten to throw her in the cell next to his for being "hysterical". 
  • Ken Cosgrove, after years of hard work, finally finds success as a sci-fi author. He then reveals to the world that he is, in fact, an actual robot, which surprises no one.
  • Seriously, Lou is the worst.
  • Sal and Chauncey come back and both make partner.
  • Don Draper doesn't die, or grow old, or kill someone. He just ends the series, sitting despondently at his desk, and wishing that he had been the one who cemented himself in history as the person who came up with the WE BUY ANY CAR commercials.

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