Friday, May 29, 2015

Chesneyland: How Pittsburgh Is Preparing

It’s that time of year again: it’s time for a right proper Kenny Chesney concert in Pittsburgh!

Most people remember the last Kenny Chesney concert here in the steel city back in 2012, which did not end…well. The concert itself was more or less without incident, but the aftermath was a disaster: a vast field of garbage, vandalism, and sketchy biomass met the city the following morning, all baking in the unforgiving sun until it could be cleaned up by civil servants. Chesney fans were rightly called on the carpet about it, most of which were still too hung over to care all that much.

Concert fallout is hardly new, of course; it was just that people 1) weren’t expecting it to happen with Kenny freaking Chesney and 2) the volume was amplified by being held in Heinz Field, where even the garbage-producing standards of Steelers fans was miraculously eclipsed. 

Of course, the city of Pittsburgh has taken every precaution to prevent a repeat of last time. Here are a few of the precautions that have been implemented to combat having the arena look like a war zone:

• Thin out the crowd a bit right from the start with a new opening act: Sienna Miller (featuring Bill Belichick) butchering covers of Donny Iris songs.
• Have mayor Bill Peduto come out and say that for every piece of trash left after the concert, he’s going to open another bike lane in the city.
• Switch all the cans of beer out with Keystone Light so no one can get drunk.
• Tell the audience that by the end of the concert the venue should be as washed up as Kenny Chesney is.
• Guilt everyone by reminding the crowd that Mister Rogers would never leave so much trash in a public place.
• Have volunteers put lawn chairs in all the spots of the parking lot so no one parks there.
• Force the makers of Arizona Iced Tea to install anti-taking-a-poop-in-this-box devices into all of their packaging.
• Post notices around Heinz Field written by noted music critics from Rolling Stone, Spin, and The New York Times about how bland and derivative Chesney’s music is and they should all go home and enjoy something else. Ha, just kidding! Music critics have never influenced anyone ever.
• Ban any vehicle that features a knockoff Calvin pissing on a logo, NOBAMA bumper sticker, or a pair of truck nuts.
• Each pickup truck must be accompanied by a hipster who will badger the passengers into only enjoying the music ironically. Said hipster will also divert some of the alcohol consumption by drinking a portion of their shitty beer.
• Have Renee Zellweger come out before the concert and unsuccessfully convince everyone how straight Kenny Chesney is.
• Enact a dress code: no wrestling T-shirts or NASCAR hats for guys; no white tank tops and cutoff jeans for women.
• Prohibit any alcohol consumption during any song that is indistinguishable from any previous song.
• Get some Jimmy Buffet fans to come out and shame the concertgoers. Because if parrotheads think you’ve gone too far with your debauchery, it’s time to buy some mirrors to look at yourself in.

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