Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Dr. Seuss Redeux: Books for the Modern Child



There’s a new Dr. Seuss book coming out this week. The book is sure to be a success following the standard profitable model called the “Harper Lee Treatment.” The book, called What Pet Should I Get? Is already a best-seller, sure to catch the imagination of many a small child this summer with its whimsical drawings, repetitive stanzas, and nonsensical spellings of imaginary words.
So with the success of this new book, maybe it’s time to re-release some of his classics, with a modern spin. Such as:

  • ·         Dairyless Eggs and GMO-Free Ham
  • ·         And To Think That I Saw It On The E! Network
  • ·         If I Ran The Dunkin Donuts That Keeps Getting My Order Wrong
  • ·         Mr. Brown Can Sue. Can You?
  • ·         How The Grinch Stole Black History Month
  • ·         The LoraXXX
  • ·         Oh, The Drinks You Can Drink!
  • ·         Horton Hears Uptown Funk On The Radio Yet Again
  • ·         Yertle the Turtle: My Life With Michaelangelo
  • ·         Guy Fawks In Socks
  • ·         The Cat In The Ironic Trucker Hat
  • ·         The Berenstain Bears Can Go Lick A Taint (posthumous)
  • ·         I Can Read With My Kindle Battery Dead!
  • ·         Wavy-Head Swazye
  • ·         One Phish Two Phish Dead Phish Stewed Phish
  • ·         Oh, The Places You’ll Go To Find A Last-Minute Graduation Present

Sunday, July 5, 2015

A Bridge Of Another Color

If there's one thing that Pittsburgh loves more than its bridges--it has more than Venice, after all--it's how much Pittsburgh hates change. So it should come as no surprise that, as the bridges are scheduled to be repainted and the city put it up for a vote as to what the colors should be, Pittsburgh overwhelmingly demanded that they stay the exact same color they are now.

If you know anything about Pittsburgh, this is no surprise. Still, I feel like it's a missed opportunity--and that the other choices may have simply been lacking. The choices--Pittsburgh Yellow, Environmentalist Alarmist Green, and Weirdo Artist Silver--may have been symbolically important, but not so important as to warrant a change.

While I'm not sure if the results would have been different, maybe a better choice of colors would have been useful. Here's some recommendations:
  • Heinz Red
  • PennDOT Orange
  • McArdle Mudslide Brown
  • Fifteen Straight Days Of Rain Gray 
  • East Liberty Police-Tape Yellow
  • Post-Industrial Hellscape Rust
  • Throwback Bumblebee Stripes
  • Soul of Sienna Miller Black
  • Hockey Fight Crimson
  • UPMC Balance Sheet Green
  • Lawrenceville Plaid
  • Monongahelan Grayish-Brownish-Blue
  • Sally Wiggin Blonde
  • Weathered Patio Chair In Parking Space Off-White