Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Few Life Tips, From Me To You

  • If you don't like something, put peanut butter on it. That works, like 80% of the time.
  • If your political statement is short enough to fit in an obviously manipulated image macro and pasted in your Facebook feed, there is an extremely high chance that your opinion is highly factually incorrect.
  • If you want to make a lot of money, take something cheap and simple and put the words "Baby" or "Wedding" in front of it. Retire at 25.
  • Never trust a gas station hot dog, no matter how delicious it is. It somehow ends up being worse than an actual hog dog, which as far as I can tell is mostly made up of sawdust and pixie souls.
  • Buy a milk carton of the size you need, not the size you anticipate. You aren't hosting the Duggars for breakfast. Dumping milk down the drain causes crocodiles to cry. 
  • If your dog keeps sniffing at a specific spot on the floor, but there doesn't seem to be anything there, it doesn't mean that something isn't there. A ghost probably pissed there.
  • Likewise, if you cat does the same, ignore it. Cats are insane.
  • Remember that cartoon you watched as a kid? It wasn't nearly as awesome as you remember. Just retain the child-like memories and don't go looking to be disappointed.
  • If you are a 20 year old college student, you probably do not know as much about how the world operates as someone who has had a career (or other life events) for a few decades.
  • Conversely, just because you are retired and have seen more of the world than the vast majority of the population, there is a point of diminishing returns. At some point the world changes beyond your observation.
  • Thankfully, both of these tend to cancel each other out. Amazingly, that means the only individual with a valid opinion happens to fit in my own specific demographic. Who knew?

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