CLASSIFIED AZ 7554-98233
SUBJECT: THAT GIRL ON FACEBOOK WHO SAT BEHIND ME IN 3RD GRADE MATH
BACKGROUND: Subject is a tertiary acquaintance of the agent, and did not communicate with her for over two decades. Subject recently received a communication to get back in touch with no apparent reason observed
Subject is one Kaylie Terman, previously of East Woodlands High School and currently employed by 31 Gifts Consultancy. Last known contact was nearly eighteen years ago, six weeks after graduation but before she entered Westlake Community College for culinary studies. At that time, subject had run into agent at the Quik Pass Gas Station picking up a rotisserie chicken for her and her then boyfriend's dinner, where subject inquired about college and how it felt working at Target the previous summer.
In June of this year, contact was again established via Facebook as a friend request. Agent accepted said request to gather more information and view current statuses. During said time, subject has provided the agency with the following information:
1. Subject did not complete a culinary degree. Subject dropped out and spent approximately eighteen months as a server, and eventually hostess, at Kickback's, a local restaurant that specializes in fried mozzarella sticks and having Journey on the jukebox.
2. Subject met, and was immediately impregnated by, Don Decker, who was in her senior class and worked as a HVAC repairman until his "stupid boss unjustifiably fired him" when he showed up to work high "only ten or twelve times" over the course of three months. Decker then got a job doing "this and that."
3. Subject recently liked a video featuring a small toddler dancing to a song. Despite the song being highly inappropriate for the child's age and the child's ability to dance was rudimentary at best, said video was shared several times. Further investigation requested.
4. Subject apparently didn't believe what this clerk did next, because she shared said article for viewing by her friends.
5. Subject had a very negative customer experience at Molly's Hair Salon, where not only was a bad coloring job received, but the standard of gossip had dropped dramatically and included disparaging remarks towards people who failed to go to the previous week's church potluck.
6. Subject recently posted a photograph of money with instructions indicating that this would generation additional revenue. As of the date of this report, such money does not appear to have been transferred.
7. Based on subject's communications, she has accomplished being "a country girl," the "baddest bitch you'll ever meet" and a "proud mama." Oddly. most of these feature Daffy Duck behind a watermark despite the fact that research indicates that Mr. Duck is not a mama, a bitch, or a country girl, and so lacks the authority to make such judgments.
8. Subject's daughter frequently posts photographs of her and her friends puckering their lips at the camera in a ridiculous manner.
9. Frequently comments concerning various individuals who are tagged as "real housewives." Agent has been unable to identify any of the names with any sense of location, marital status, or continuation of efforts. Although apparently Meghan is a total bitch.
10. Frequently posts graphical representations concerning various national restaurant chains that do not do enough to promote and honor our nation's veterans. Research indicates that subject still frequents said chains.
11. Subject's daughter joined a cheering squad, which after extensive research apparently has to attend approximately thirty-six competitions each summer, the trips costing around 100 two dollar chocolate candy bars each, plain or crispy or, as of last year, peanut butter meltaway.
12. Subject has sent 34 requests to join Alphabet Blast over the course of a six week period. All have been declined to protect the integrity of the agency.
NOTABLE CONCERN: Another agency may also be monitoring the subject, as subject has been publicly tested and, so far, has been identified as "Should Be Living In Hawaii," "Totally a 90's Kid," and "Is Ella From Frozen." Additional research is recommended.
RECOMMENDED ACTION: Wait to see if subject posts any pictures of their daughter's birthday party, then block.