Sunday, June 26, 2016

Reading and Drinking

It was recently announced that Barnes and Noble, the venerable bookseller chain--and by "venerable" we mean "the last existing holdout in a rapidly disintegrating industry"--will begin service alcohol in their stores.

Well,. some of the stores. It's a pilot program that will sell wine and beer (sadly, not hard alcohol), apparently trying to crack open the "bored housewives who also watch UFC" demographic.

It's an interesting idea, but I'm wondering if there are other, better ways to entice new customers into an old industry. Such as:
  • Every day you don't read, a librarian comes to your house to shake her head disapprovingly at you.
  • Start a rumor on Alternet and ScaryMommy that Kindles and other e-books are actually made out of GMOs.
  • Develop immortality serum and secretly administer to J.K. Rowling. (Or use magic, I don't know.)
  • Establish a Read It! Program, but for adults, with the prizes involving Game of Thrones spoilers and free oil changes.
  • Re-brand reading as "The Reality TV Of Words."
  • Limit Stephen King to, like, eighteen books a year so someone else gets a shot
  • Increase revenue by making all books into clickbait slideshows.
  • Deliberately but secretly release information that every book published has a spelling error, and watch as millions of butthurt internet wizards scour all the books so they can gleefully point out the mistakes to generate their own false sense of self-importance. 
  • 3-D books. (I know they're already 3D. You know what I mean.)
  • Never show The Thorn Birds ever again so people don't think that all books are as horribly, dreadfully boring as that piece of shit.
  • Make Instagram a book and sell that. We can do that, right?
  • Marvel's Anne of Green Gables
  • Burn all the warehouses down and rebuild, exclusively selling paranormal romance and Ann Coulter books. Or paranormal romance Ann Coulter books. She's about 4/5th vampire anyway.
  • Edible books. 
  • Better yet, cookbooks where you cook the actual book after reading the book on how to prepare the book.
  • Inform people a broadly educated and literate population is the cornerstone for a healthy and advanced civilization, and necessary for the betterment of humanity. LOL! Just kidding. Just hand out free poppers and beef jerky with every book.

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