Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a born Olympian. Oh, sure, things like practice or drive or desire or ability or fitness or actually making an attempt stand in my way, but overcoming adversity is what makes a good Olympian story, no?
Greece is falling apart, and Rio, Vancouver, London, and Sochi are now barren cultural wastelands thanks to the international goodwill of the "regular" Olympics. Who needs the stress? I mean, really? And what's up with all these sports--running? Swimming? Who swims anymore? Is this the Fishalympics or what?
Which is why I'm now soliciting bids for the 2020 Crankalympics.
Here are my rules:
1) Competitions should be things that I could conceivably get a gold medal in.
2) The Crankalympic site must be within an hour's drive of my home.
3) Doping is allowed as long as I get some.
4) No out-of-pocket expenses for me.
I will gladly get corporate sponsors to name the events, so get ready for the Chik-Fil-A 500 Meter Dash or the Heinz Ketchup Badminton Tournament.
Well, no, because those won't be contests in my Olympics, because I can't do any of that stuff. The only thing I'm 500 meter dashing towards is the $5 20 piece McNugget special.
Here's my first thought about the events:
- Freestyle Complaining About Economics On Reddit
- 100 Meter Eventually Mosey On Down To The Post Office To Get Stamps Like I Should Have On Monday
- Playing 500 Hours Of Civilization V (i.e., one game)
- Playing 500 Hours Of Arkham Horror (i.e., one game)
- Obscure Political Referencing
- Excel Formatting
- Nap And Field
- Greco-Roman Wresting With The Source On The TV So I Can Watch The DVD Player
- Posting More Than One Blog Post Per Week*
- Dad Joking
- Archery (i.e., knowing trivia about Archer on FXX)
- Beach Smoring
- Something with horses. I dunno, but the horse ends up dead, whatever it is.
- Competitive Not-Giving-A-Shit-About-The-Real-Olympics
*On second thought, I'm not sure I can handle this.