Groundhog This

Punxsutawney Phil is finally having his day! But he's so suck of just predicting the weather--they have professionals for that, now. So here's Phil's better predictions for all of 2018.

• Nicholas Cage will run for President.
• Kids will move from eating Tide Pods to eating bobby pins and dacron.
• Elon Musk finally rips his mask off to reveal that he is actually one of the aliens from V.
• Y'all remember V, right?
• The Oscars ceremony will be a brilliantly awkward six-hour marathon of shifted eyes and apologetic mumbling, as host Jimmy Kimmel tries to balance making The-Best-Picture-Announcement-Was-Wrong jokes with vague, empty platitudes about how everyone in the room is a sex criminal but we're all just going to pretend it doesn't matter.
• Kim Jong Un will do something stupid during the Olympics, probably involving either a ballistic missile test or the luge.
• Not a prediction, but I would pay good American cash to see Kim Jong Un strap on a helmet and take a luge down a big slope just for the hell of it.
• One of the commercials in the Super Bowl will be a wildly insensitive "build a wall" joke.
• It's possible, just possible, that the FIFA World Cup in Russia will end up being corrupt.
• Someone in the royal family is going to make an embarrassingly racist remark at Prince Harry's wedding without realizing it.
• Alexa finally gets sick of everyone's shit and starts passive-aggressively not allowing you to order any more Ed Sheeran CDs.
• The Democrats, running in the perfect atmosphere for a wave of House and Senate races across the nation, will find a way to jack it up and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, just like they have in pretty much every single election since WWII.