- Nicholas Cage will run for President.
- Kids will move from eating Tide Pods to eating bobby pins and dacron.
- Elon Musk finally rips his mask off to reveal that he is actually one of the aliens from V.
- Y'all remember V, right?
- The Oscars ceremony will be a brilliantly awkward six-hour marathon of shifted eyes and apologetic mumbling, as host Jimmy Kimmel tries to balance making The-Best-Picture-Announcement-Was-Wrong jokes with vague, empty platitudes about how everyone in the room is a sex criminal but we're all just going to pretend it doesn't matter.
- Kim Jong Un will do something stupid during the Olympics, probably involving either a ballistic missile test or the luge.
- Not a prediction, but I would pay good American cash to see Kim Jong Un strap on a helmet and take a luge down a big slope just for the hell of it.
- One of the commercials in the Super Bowl will be a wildly insensitive "build a wall" joke.
- It's possible, just possible, that the FIFA World Cup in Russia will end up being corrupt.
- Someone in the royal family is going to make an embarrassingly racist remark at Prince Harry's wedding without realizing it.
- Alexa finally gets sick of everyone's shit and starts passive-aggressively not allowing you to order any more Ed Sheeran CDs.
- The Democrats, running in the perfect atmosphere for a wave of House and Senate races across the nation, will find a way to jack it up and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, just like they have in pretty much every single election since WWII.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Punxsutawney Phil is finally having his day! But he's so suck of just predicting the weather--they have professionals for that, now. So here's Phil's better predictions for all of 2018.